It is all right
to have preferences and try to achieve them (step 1). But it is a mistake
to get upset if your preferences are not fulfilled (step 3). For example,
it is good for you to work hard for a political or social cause you consider
important. But it is bad for you if you make yourself mad or depressed
when things don’t go the way you want.
Developing unconditional
acceptance will lead you to a sense of freedom in which you are happy
if something happens and can be equally happy if it doesn’t happen. This
freedom from the events of the world removes heavy burdens from your life
and clears the way for you to settle into a very free inner peace.
It is true for
everybody that in the game of life you win some and you lose some. Most
people are happy when they win and sad when they lose. The sadness is
unnecessary. They are sad because they want to be winning rather
than losing and/or feel they should be winning. You don’t have
to do this to yourself. When you are losing, recognize that you win some
and lose some and here is one you are losing. Unconditionally accept that
and don’t make yourself upset. Alter the situation, avoid making the same
mistake again, or whatever is appropriate for you to do. But don’t make
yourself upset.
A sense of humor
is very useful in developing unconditional
acceptance. Have fun living your life. Laugh at yourself and the traps
you fall into. Be amused when the world suddenly gives you something unexpected.
Try to do what is best and right, but don’t take everything too seriously.
Have a good time and go with the flow.
GOING
WITH THE FLOW
Imagine everyone
swimming in the river of life. Most people are fighting against the currents
or trying to swim upstream. At the same time they are complaining the
river isn’t going in the right direction. Also most of the people don’t
know the river very well so they run into stones and branches, which they
argue should not be there.
Now as you become
more accepting and centered you get to know the river better and thus
you run into fewer obstacles. As you get to know yourself better and improve
yourself, as with this book, you become a better swimmer in the river
of life. You are better able to swim around in the river and better able
to control your own destiny. Meanwhile some others are hanging onto rocks
and crying about where they are.
As you become
more accepting and centered you more easily ride with the currents of
the river, rather than fighting against them. This way you travel where
you want faster, easier, and much more pleasantly.
Finally, all this
leads to knowing the river well and your part in it. At this point you
can effectively alter the course of the river itself.
Going with the
flow involves not fighting life. It requires being aware of the currents
of life: interests and concerns of others, personal and professional responsibilities,
social pressures, economic limitations, to name only a few. Going with
the flow involves riding with such currents and helping to redirect them.
Going with the
flow involves more emphasis on being
than doing . Don’t just try to do the
honest thing, try to be an honest person. Stop seeking happiness and start
being happy. Don’t divide your life into work and play; work at
changing your mind so it is all play.
As you go with
the flow you stop fighting life. As you stop fighting life you become
more centered.
BEING
CENTERED
After doing the
things described in this chapter, there will be times when you feel centered
and times when you won’t. Gradually you will learn to notice many differences
between being centered and not, differences in the way you feel, think,
and perceive. You will notice differences in your relaxation, compassion,
ability to love and accept, and sense of inner calm. Noticing these differences
will help you stay centered more often and become even more centered.
When you notice
you are being pulled off center, this is an important opportunity to improve
your life. Look for what is pulling you off center. It might be an emotion,
such as anger or anxiety. It might be a desire, such as a sexual desire
or a craving for a drug.
It might be that you are running a model of yourself
or the world against reality. Or it could be one of many other things.
See what it is. Make a list of the things that pull you off center. Then
do something about them, as with the techniques of this book. As you learn
to keep things from pulling you off center, you will find it easier and
easier to stay centered.
Remember all of
this is a gradual process. Don’t be impatient. Take small steps. Take
on what you can and let the rest go. Do your best. Try to continually
progress. Then totally accept yourself exactly where you are —— unconditional acceptance.
As you become
more and more centered more and more of the time, there will gradually
arise a sense of inner peace. This peace is so powerful you will consider
it one of the best gifts you have ever received. And you have it all inside
now. All you need to do is clear away some obstacles and let it be.
MINDFULNESS
In this chapter
you will learn to expand your mind and become more aware. You will learn
to notice things you overlooked before. You will find beauty in things
you took for granted. This increased awareness is called mindfulness.
This whole book
is intended to help you know yourself better. You have been learning to
objectively observe the way you act, feel, and think. You have been learning
to notice the various cues that influence you, such as situations that
make you feel anxious or happy. You have been learning how your thoughts
and feelings affect each other. You have been becoming more mindful of
your life. This chapter shows you how to greatly increase this mindfulness
you have begun. The best place for most people to begin is with meditation;
however, if meditation does not suit you right now, skip this section
and move on to the exercises in the rest of the chapter.
MEDITATION
For many people
meditation is the most powerful tool for becoming more mindful. The more
experienced you are with meditation, the more you will profit from this
chapter. If you have never practiced meditation or have not meditated
for a while, read the section on meditation in Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body
and Mind). Practice meditation as described there for a few weeks before
continuing with the rest of this section!
Assuming you have
been meditating for a while, here are further meditation instructions:
Relax . Meditation is a time for relaxing body and mind. You should relax before
beginning meditation and then stay relaxed. While meditating practice
being aware of how relaxed you are. Be aware of how your body feels and
how much your mind races about. Do not think about these things,
just notice them. Cultivate a sense of relaxed, detached observation.
Be. While meditating, develop an attitude of openness. Be ready for new experiences without
deciding in advance what they must be. Be open to new understandings and
insights without resisting what you
205
may learn. Be
willing to learn more and more about yourself. There is no threat here.
Everything is okay. Relax and be open.
Make friends
with yourself .
Meditation is a time just to sit and be with yourself, unconditionally
accepting yourself as you are. Be totally accepting of yourself no matter
what happens. Whether you believe meditation is going well or poorly,
make friends with yourself and accept the way the meditation currently
is. If you discover something about yourself that you don’t like, don’t
dislike yourself. Accept yourself as you are, make friends with yourself,
and then change whatever you decide to change. During meditation be aware
of anything you think or feel that is negative about you. Just notice
it and then make friends with yourself. If you can’t accept yourself when
you are just sitting still, what happens when your life is more complex?
Relax, be open, and make friends with yourself.
Have no
goals while meditating
. You should not be trying to accomplish or achieve anything while meditating.
It is a time just to sit and be aware. Quiet your mind, get centered,
relax, and just be. Don’t have goals for what should happen, just
be aware of what does happen, without an attitude of gaining or accomplishing
anything. You may have reasons for meditating, things you expect from
it. Great. But when meditating, just do it; don’t expect or demand anything.
If expectations or thoughts of accomplishment arise during meditation,
just notice them but don’t get lost in them. If not having any goals while
meditating makes you feel you are wasting time, just notice these thoughts
and feelings and “waste” some time.
Be here
now . Meditation is a time to be in the here and now. It is not a time to be
lost in memories of the past or thoughts about the future. Be aware of
what is going on right now. Be aware of your body, your breathing, and
how relaxed you are. Don’t get lost in daydreaming and fantasies. Be aware
of your feelings and thoughts as they are now. Don’t get lost in the past
or future. If memories of the past arise, notice them and return to the
here and now. If plans or expectations for the future arise, notice them
and return to the here and now. Realize there is only the here and now.
The past is gone; memories are just mental activity in the present. The
future is imaginary; plans and anticipations are just mental activity
in the present. Be aware of all your mental activity.
But be aware from
the here and now.
Be mindful . Meditation is an ideal time to practice mindfulness.
Just sit and be aware. Notice all feelings, thoughts, and intentions.
Just notice. Don’t think about what you notice, just notice. Continue
to keep your attention gently focused on your point of meditation, such
as your breathing. Then any time any thought or sensation arises, notice
it and gently, but firmly, return your attention to your breathing.
A good way to
improve your noticing and mindfulness is to name what you notice. If you
are watching your breathing by the rising and falling of your diaphragm,
then say “rising” to yourself when it rises and “falling” when it falls.
Or if you are watching your breathing some other way, say “in” when you
inhale and “out” when you exhale. Now during meditation when you start
thinking about something, notice what you are doing, say “thinking” to
yourself, and return your attention to your breath. When visual images
occur, notice them and name the process “seeing,” and return to your breath.
When you hear something, say “hearing” to yourself and return to your
breath. Do the same with everything, including “feeling,” “smelling,”
and “tasting.” When you have to move, notice the sensations of movement
while you label them “moving” or “feeling.” You can use whatever labels
you like. In some cases you may want to be more specific. Thus instead
of just “thinking” you may also wish to use the label “planning” or “remembering.”
A person who is
meditating on the in and out of his breath might have a period of meditation
that goes like this: in, out, in, out, in, thinking, thinking, in, out,
thinking, out, in, out, hearing, hearing, thinking, thinking, hearing,
in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, feeling, feeling, thinking,
in, out, in, out, moving, feeling, thinking, feeling, in, out, in, out.
.
Spend part of
your meditation period each time doing this naming exercise. It will help
you become more aware and mindful. Continue to do this until you naturally
notice all these things without needing to label them.
GENERAL
MINDFULNESS
As you can tell
from the above discussion, developing mindfulness is practicing being
more and more aware. It
is learning to be more aware of your body and your mind, more aware of
your feelings, perceptions, and thoughts. As you become more mindful,
you will become aware of things at a much finer and more subtle level.
You will hear, see, and feel things you never noticed before. You will
perceive things in greater detail and complexity. You will find great
beauty in “simple” things. You will come to know yourself much better.
You will better learn how your mind works. You will gain much more control
over your behavior, feelings, and thoughts.
There are three
ways to develop greater mindfulness: mindfulness in meditation (discussed
above), mindfulness exercises, and continual mindfulness. Mindfulness
exercises are specific practices that develop mindfulness in some specific
area, such as mindfulness of hearing, mindfulness of walking, and mindfulness
of eating. This chapter contains a number of such exercises. After you
have done a number of these exercises, you can begin developing your own
exercises. This can be a lot of fun and mind-expanding at the same time.
Continual mindfulness
refers to the fact that no matter where you are or what you are doing
it is an opportunity to become more mindful, more aware. The rest of this
chapter shows you how gradually to develop continual mindfulness.
Learning to be
more mindful is learning to be more aware, more conscious. It is developing
your ability to observe more objectively. It is not thinking, judging,
or evaluating. It is just observing. If you choose to think or evaluate,
fine. But that is thinking and evaluating, not mindfulness. Mindfulness
would include observing the thinking and evaluating. Mindfulness is not
reacting, elaborating, remembering, or planning. Mindfulness is just noticing,
including noticing any reactions, thoughts, memories, or plans.
It is very important
that you remember, and perhaps review, all of this when doing the exercises
that come later. Also when doing the exercises, try to perceive as if
you had never perceived before. When doing a walking exercise, try to
experience walking as if you had never walked before. When doing a seeing
exercise, try to see as if you had just been given vision.
You will probably
enjoy the various mindfulness exercises.
And if you pursue mindfulness practices, you will profit in many ways.
However, like meditation, mindfulness practices are not for everyone.
If anything in this chapter is too upsetting to you, stop doing it until
you consult a professional counselor and/or mindfulness instructor.
MINDFULNESS
OF BEHAVIOR
Practice being
aware of what you do and why you do it. Be aware of how you act and what
you say in different situations. What was it about that situation that
caused you to act that particular way? How do others react to what you
say and do? What feelings and thoughts go along with how you behave? Be
more aware of your behavior. This whole book is concerned with mindfulness
of behavior. You might reread some chapters of importance to you and think
about how to become more mindful of that type of behavior.
MINDFULNESS
OF BODY
Spend some time
each day tuning into the feelings and sensations from different parts
of your body. Get more in touch with your body. You might review the beginning
of Chapter 13 (Nutrition and Exercise). When you feel fatigued, tune into
exactly how your body feels. Notice in detail what it feels
like to be fatigued. Do the same when you feel energetic, sleepy or
awake, hot or cold, and anything else.
If you experience
some pain or discomfort, you may wish to reduce it in some way. But in
addition, practice mindfulness. Exactly where do you feel the pain? Exactly
what does it feel like? See if you can put your consciousness right into
the middle of the pain and explore it. Don’t judge or evaluate the pain,
just notice it in detail. Don’t get upset because you think pain is bad
and/or you wish you didn’t have any pain. Just be mindful of the pain.
If you get very good at mindfulness of pain, you may find it will help
reduce pain and/or make it less unpleasant.
Practice being
aware of the various feelings in your body when you start to feel stress,
anxiety, anger, and other emotions. The greater your mindfulness here
the more choice you will have over your emotions. Review Chapter 7 (Calm
and Relaxed Living).
Be more aware
of your breathing. You have learned to watch it during meditation. Now
also during the day periodically put your attention on your breathing.
How are you breathing?
Is it shallow or deep? Is it blocked in any way, such as in one side of
your nose? Is it primarily chest breathing or diaphragm breathing?
Practice being
aware of the various sensations of movement. Exactly how does it feel
when you move some part of your body? Try to feel this in detail.
Exercise
1:
Simple Movement.
Sit down and relax. Quiet your mind for a few minutes. Sit still. Now
slowly move one of your fingers. Move it in different ways and different
directions. Put your full attention on the feelings of movement. Feel
the movement as if you have never felt movement before. How does it feel
when you will your finger to move? What is this feeling of willing? What
part of you is doing this willing?
Over time come
back and do this exercise many times. In place of your finger use various
parts of your body to move, such as your arm, leg, or tongue.
Exercise
2: Walking.
Relax and quiet your
mind. Now walk very slowly . Notice in detail all the feelings
in different parts of your body as you move. Keep your attention on these
feelings of movement. Note how each step involves lifting a leg, moving
it forward, and placing it down. Notice these different types of movement
in detail. To help you notice and hold your attention say to yourself
“lifting,” “moving,” and “placing” when doing each of these.
This is a good
exercise to use before and/or after sitting in meditation. It helps bring
meditation into other parts of your life. A variation of the exercise
is to walk at a normal rate and pay attention to the feelings of movement.
You might say “right” and “left” to yourself as you move your legs. This
exercise you can do at many times during the day when you are walking.
MINDFULNESS
OF PERCEPTIONS
Every now and
then stop what you are doing, quiet your mind, and put all your attention
on one of your senses (seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling). Notice
in detail all the sensations and perceptions of this sense. Experience
the sense as if you had never had that sense before. For example, notice
the sensations of feeling as if you had never felt anything before. Explore
some object with your sense and observe the perceptions that result. For
example, if working
with vision, pick something to look at and then be very aware of the various
perceptions that arise as you visually explore the object.
Exercise
3: Hearing. Focus your attention on hearing and try to hear as if you have never
heard anything before. Where do you feel that the hearing is taking place?
Is it in your ears? Is it in the center of your head? Where do you experience
hearing? Who or what part of you is doing the hearing? What is your experience
of that part of you which is doing the hearing?
Do this same exercise
with all of your other senses.
Exercise
4: Eating. Eat a full meal with all your attention on eating. Do not do other things
such as talking, reading, or excessive thinking. Eat slowly. Experience
eating as if you have never eaten before. Slowly look at the food and
smell it. Slowly see, smell, and feel the food as you put it in your mouth.
Feel the food in your mouth. Feel the biting, chewing, moving food around,
and swallowing. Eat slowly. Notice all the different tastes and how they
change.
Do this exercise
every now and then. In addition, try to do something like this exercise
during part of every meal. That is, try generally to become more mindful
of your eating. You will find it will help you enjoy eating more. And
if you are trying to eat less, it will help you have more pleasure with
less food.
Exercise
5: The World. Spend one day perceiving the world as if you had never experienced any
of it before. Perceive the world as if you have just arrived from another
very different world. See, hear, and feel things anew, while minimizing
memories you have of these things.
MINDFULNESS
OF FEELINGS
Practice being
more aware of your feelings. When you are feeling something you like,
notice the feeling in detail and say to yourself “pleasure.” When you
feel something unpleasant, notice the feeling in detail and tell yourself
“unpleasant” or “pain.” Try to notice all feelings as soon as they arise.
Then notice how the feeling changes in time and how it goes away. Just
notice, don’t evaluate or hang on to the feeling. Just be aware.
MINDFULNESS
OF MIND
Becoming more
mindful of your mind includes practicing being more aware of the contents
of your mind, including thoughts, memories, perceptions, and fantasies.
Spend some time each day just noticing the contents of your mind. This
does not mean thinking about the contents, for that is just more thinking.
Just notice the thinking, don’t think about thinking. Only the mind thinks;
and here you want just to observe your mind. Meditation is a good way
to learn to observe your mind.
Be more aware
of the general state of your mind. Is it relaxed or agitated? Is it functioning
accurately or is it caught in delusions? Experience how the state of your
mind relates to the state of your body.
Try to be more
aware of intentions that arise in your mind. Usually before you act in
some way an intention for that act arises in your mind. Most people are
unaware of these intentions, so their behavior is pretty automatic. As
you become more aware of the intentions that arise in your mind, you will
have greater control over your behavior. You will do fewer things that
you later regret.
Review Chapter
11 (What Do You Think) and practice mindfulness for the things discussed.
For example, practice noticing what you say to yourself in different situations
and when you are being negative and/or irrational.
Review Chapters
23, 24, and 25 (Happiness, Love, Inner Peace) and practice mindfulness
for what is discussed. For example, be more aware of when you fall into
the “more is never enough” trap. Be more aware of when you are making
yourself unhappy because reality does not match your idea of how it should
be. Be more aware of how accepting you are of people and situations. Realize
that becoming more mindful of your thoughts will help you become more
thoughtful.
Exercise
6: Visualizing.
Close your eyes and visualize an object you know well. Visualize it in
as much detail as possible. Observe your mental processes as images form
in your mind. Where do you feel that this visualizing is taking place?
Who or what part of you is observing these visualizations?
Do this exercise
with many different objects to visualize.
Then move into more complex things such as people you know. Be aware of
any feelings or thoughts that arise during visualizing.
Exercise
7: Thinking..
Close your eyes, quiet your mind, and then think about something. Observe
your thoughts as if you have never encountered thoughts before. Do not
think about your thoughts, just notice them. Where do you feel this thinking
is taking place? Who or what part of you is observing these thoughts?
What is the difference between you and your mind?
Do this exercise
many times, thinking about different things. Start by thinking about fairly
simple things and move toward thinking about things for which you have
strong feelings. Notice differences in the way that you think and how
well you think that are caused by what you are thinking about.
THE
WITNESS
As you develop
mindfulness you are developing a witness to yourself. The witness is a
silent observer of everything. The witness does not feel; it just observes
feeling. The witness does not think, evaluate, decide, or will. These
are all functions of the mind. The witness just observes. Whatever arises
in your consciousness is noticed by the witness.
The witness lives
in a very quiet, peaceful, centered place. The witness is not vulnerable.
Nothing can hurt the witness. The witness does not feel unhappy; it just
notices unhappy feelings.
Opening yourself
to the witness in you provides you a vantage point which is clear, objective,
and free. When you start to get upset, the witness notices “getting upset.”
This gives you more understanding and control of yourself at the time.
When you are mentally criticizing someone else, the witness notices “criticizing.”
This helps you cut down on this destructive activity.
Exercise
8: The Witness..
Who or what part of you is this witness? How do you experience the witness?
Where do you experience the witness? Who or what part of you is experiencing
or observing the Witness? Who are you? What is the real nature of your
being?
This is a very
difficult exercise that you might try
every now and then. The “answers” to the questions of the exercise are
not intellectual answers; they are answers that come from direct experience.
That is, the questions are concerned with total experiences, not your
thoughts. Also the “answers” to the questions will probably continually
change as you practice the exercise and go deeper into your being.
BE
MINDFUL
The essence of
this chapter is to just be more aware of your behavior, body, perceptions,
feelings, and mind. It is a matter of intentionally working at being more
aware, more conscious. With practice over time it will become easier and
easier and soon will be quite natural and automatic. As you become more
mindful you will be amazed and delighted at what you will discover. And
it will lead you to levels of understanding and freedom beyond what you
can currently imagine.
SUGGESTED READING
The Cook and Davitz
book is a collection of exercises including mindfulness exercises and
visualizing. The exercises are designed to require from 60 seconds up
to 20 minutes. The best mindfulness material is found within the Buddhist
literature, particularly the Theravada Buddhist practices. You can easily
practice Buddhist mindfulness without getting involved in any particular
philosophy or religion. Dhiravamsa has issued an excellent, readable,
and useful book on Buddhist mindfulness. Goldstein offers instruction
in meditation and mindfulness from a Buddhist orientation. Kornfield had
compiled the mindfulness instructions from a variety of different Buddhist
teachers. For the person who wishes to pursue meditation in greater detail,
Suzuki’s book is superb.