Being overweight is a common problem. 130 million Americans are too fat, with 80 million considered clinically obese. 30 million American children are already overweight.

 

Being overweight makes you more vulnerable to many health problems including high blood pressure, heart disease, respiratory problems, and diabetes. It also limits what clothes you can wear and in some cases requires the buying or ordering of special clothes. If you are overweight, it influences how others perceive you and act toward you. It can affect what jobs you are hired for and how you are evaluated at your work. Perhaps it shouldn’t; but it does. Being overweight affects your social life and how attractive you are to others. It influences your sexual appeal. Being overweight will also affect how you feel about yourself, which then affects your moods, happiness, self-confidence, and how you act toward others.

 

So if you are overweight, losing weight and then controlling your weight will help you feel better, both physically and psychologically. In addition to better health you will also have less weight to carry around, will have more energy, and will be out of breath less often. You may also save money on food bills.

 

Many people lose weight by means of crash diets or reducing drugs. Although these may result in weight loss, most people who lose weight this way gain it back fairly quickly. Also many of the diet pills contain amphetamines, which can be addicting, may be physically harmful, and may lead to disturbances such as sleeplessness and feelings of agitation.

 

The most effective approach to weight loss and weight control is to change your eating habits. This chapter will help you learn how to get your eating Under control which then will give you control over Your weight. It is not a program in which you can never eat some food you like. Rather it is a program in which you learn self-control, so that sometimes you eat the food and other times you don’t. You control your eating, so that you control the calories you take so that you control your weight.

 

A complete program in weight loss and weight control has 3 components: changing your eating habits (as discussed in this chapter), decreasing the calories you take in, and increasing exercise to use up calories. Decreasing calories and increasing exercise are discussed in Chapter 13 (Nutrition and Exercise), which should be read along with this chapter. But of the three components, changing your eating habits is the most important.

 

There are great individual differences in metabolism and physical limitations. Therefore it is often wise to check with your doctor about any particular diet, set of exercises, or weight loss program. For some people weight loss could be bad. This includes some pregnant or menopausal women, some older people, and some people with particular diseases such as Addison’s disease or ulcerative colitis.

 

Now let us turn to exactly what you can do to control your eating.

 

OBSERVE YOUR EATING

 

It is necessary to learn when, how, and why you eat as you do. To learn this you need to observe your eating for a while. Review the general procedures of self—observation discussed in Chapter 3 (Know Yourself).

 

For at least one week, and preferably two weeks, keep written records of everything you eat and drink other than water. Your record sheet should have the following headings: date and time, situation, feelings and thoughts, what eaten or drunk, and approximate calories. Situation includes the place where you are and the people you are with. Feelings means whatever your mood is at the time you eat, such as happy, anxious, or tired. The thoughts you record should include such things as the thoughts you have about the situation, thoughts about your feelings, and thoughts about eating.

 

Learning to estimate the calories may take a little work at first, but it will be very useful in the long run as you learn to judge and control how many calories you eat. Books and charts of calories of common foods can be useful. Many foods have the calories listed on the label. And when preparing meals go out of your way to measure foods so that you can learn to visually judge amounts, such as how much a cup is.

 

After you have kept your records for a week or two, carefully go over your records and see what you can learn about your eating behavior. Do you tend to overeat more in some situations than others? Are you encouraged to eat or overeat by friends or family? Do you eat when you are anxious or using certain drugs? Is it the quantity, frequency, or nature (such as sweets) of the foods that is the main problem? Are there times of day when you are most likely to snack? Continue to keep these types of records while carrying out your weight loss program.

 

Make a graph on which you record your daily weight. weigh yourself at the same time each day. Put this graph up in a very visible place, such as on the refrigerator door. Remember that daily weight change is good to keep but is somewhat unreliable as a measure of your progress, since many things can affect daily weight changes. So keep daily weights but look at changes from week to week as a better measure of progress. See Chapter 8 (Getting Motivated) for how the graph can be part of a motivation—reward program.

 

SMALL STEPS

 

Fast loss of weight will seldom hold and you will generally gain it back. A better program is to try to lose one or two pounds per week. If you did this for a year, you would lose 50 to 100 pounds. Set a long term goal for yourself, such as the loss of 40 pounds at the average rate of one pound per week. Sometimes a person’s body metabolism adjusts to the decrease in calories; the body then requires fewer calories for the same basic activities and weight. If this happens you may lose less weight each month even if you eat the same. So put your emphasis on staying on your program and be patient if your weight loss slows up or occasionally levels off for a short time. If you plan to lose a lot of weight, say 40 pounds, you can let yourself hold at certain levels along the way. For example, after you have lost 20 pounds, you might wish to hold at this weight for a week or two before continuing on With weight loss.

 

SETTING UP A PROGRAM

The rest of this chapter contains suggestions for changing eating habits which you can include in your Weight loss or weight control program. Design a program that suits you. But periodically re-evaluate and change your program. You can’t be expected to come up with the best program for you right at first. Be sure to include nutrition and exercise in your program.

 

It is very important that you include many motivation aids and rewards in your program (see Chapter 8, Getting Motivated), since you have to offset the pleasure of eating. You should have two types of rewards in your program. First you need daily rewards for carrying out your program, independent of any weight loss. Second you need bigger, long term rewards for losing a set amount of pounds, such as a reward when 10 pounds is lost and another when 20 pounds is lost.

 

FEELINGS

 

Do you eat when you are anxious, mad, depressed, or bored? Does eating reduce tension? Do you feed your emotions? Do you confuse anxiety and hunger? What do your written records of feelings tell you?

 

If feelings are a major cause of eating, then you want to deal with your feelings first. If you eat when bored, then find other things to do instead of eating. If you eat when you are upset, then review the following previous chapters: Relaxing Body and Mind (Chapter 6), Calm and Relaxed Living (Chapter 7), and Fears (Chapter 15).

 

THOUGHTS

 

What do your written records tell you about what you think before and during eating? Do some of your thoughts cause feelings which lead to overeating? Do some of your thoughts encourage or justify overeating? Examples of such thoughts are: I can never lose weight. I’ll always be overweight. I’ll start a new diet tomorrow. I have already eaten too much so one more piece won’t hurt. I can’t sleep so I’ll have something to eat. Someone with my bone structure can’t lose much weight. It is important to clean my plate. I should eat more to please.... I can’t help being overweight; it is due to....

 

Review Chapter 11 (What Do You Think) for ways to evaluate and change thinking which leads to or supports overeating.

 

REMOVE AND AVOID

 

From your general observing of your eating and from your written records note those situations in which it is more probable that you will overeat and/or eat something undesirable. Is it possible to avoid some of these situations for a while until you get your eating under more control? Are there some cues that trigger eating which you can remove , for good or at least for a while? Review the first part of Chapter 5 (Change of Scene) about removing and avoiding such cues and situations. Next are some suggestions of remove and avoid.

 

Remove all snacks, such as candy and pretzels, from your desk, purse, and car. Remove any such food that is sitting out in plain view in your home or office. Remove from your home all foods that are very tempting, particularly if they are high in calories. If you must occasionally have these foods, do it outside your home. Remove all prepared snacks. If you must have snacks, then have snacks that require some preparation. Rewrap food in smaller portions that you only take one at a time. Keep food in containers you can’t see through and unscrew the bulb in your refrigerator so you don’t see the food as well. Remove some of the hunger cues by drinking a large glass of water when hungry and before a meal.

 

Get out of your kitchen or even out of your house if you feel very tempted to eat. Avoid the kitchen as much as possible. If you nibble when fixing meals, chew sugarless gum when preparing meals and/or fix the meal when not hungry, such as preparing dinner right after you have had lunch. Rearrange your cupboards and refrigerator so problem foods are more out of sight and out of reach. Wrap and seal foods very tightly. Avoid giving yourself shots of energy with candy and sugar; this is unhealthy and addicting. Avoid drinking alcohol while eating; it may increase your appetite and/or dull your thinking about your weight control program. Alcoholic drinks are also often very high in calories.

 

Avoid food and candy machines and/or don’t have the change to use them. Avoid places like bakeries by taking different routes, at least the other side of the street. Avoid doing grocery shopping on an empty Stomach. Learn to prepare and use a shopping list; don’t buy extra food. Prepare your shopping list when you are not hungry. If you don’t buy it, you can’t eat it!

 

RESTRICT

Most people who have a problem with weight control tend to eat in many situations, such as when reading, Watching television, talking on the phone, and entertaining guests. This causes these situations to become associated with eating so that when in the situation, you tend to eat. If you eat when watching television, after a while watching television will cue eating.

 

In addition these are situations in which you don’t pay full attention to eating. Much of the eating is automatic and unconscious. If you are overweight and enjoy eating, why eat at times when you don’t give it full attention and get full pleasure?

 

For these reasons it is very useful if you restrict all your eating, meals and snacks, to one place at specific times. Pick a place, such as a particular chair at a particular place at the table, and do all of your eating there. Sit down; never eat on the run. Develop a routine for eating. Have your meals at the same time each day and do not eat at other times. If you must have snacks, have them at the same time each day. Pick eating times which best fit your schedule and occur when you are most hungry. See your records for such possible times.

 

If you have too much trouble with this restricting, then use a gradual approach (small steps). Start your restricting with those times and situations which are easiest for you to eliminate. Then move on to the harder times and situations. Gradually restrict your eating more and more to one place and specific times.

 

Develop alternative things you can do in place of snacking and overeating. If you have an urge for a snack, do something else, such as read, take a walk, make a phone call, do a puzzle, sew or knit, write a letter, or do some gardening. You might plan activities for times of the day when it is most difficult to avoid eating. You might also wish to reward yourself for doing some of these things instead of eating.

 

MEALS

Learn to make a variety of low calorie meals. Get a cookbook with low calorie recipes. Learn how to add more variety to all your recipes and meals with various flavorings and spices. Make the meal as attractive as possible. Set an attractable table. Make the meal look like more by using smaller plates and/or spreading it out on the plate. Restrict how much you eat by planning the meal ahead and dishing out the whole meal on the plate, rather than continually helping yourself from a serving dish. Begin the meal with bulky and chewy foods.

 

Serve the meal in such a way it helps slow down eating. For example, serve food hot and/or serve more foods that take longer to eat, such as soup. Use teaspoons instead of soup spoons and/or eat more with chop sticks. Use utensils for everything you eat, including such things as sandwiches.

 

At the beginning of a meal sit for a few minutes before eating. Practice self-control. Don’t eat it if you don’t need to. Eat slowly! It takes some time for your stomach to signal your brain about how much you have eaten. So if you slow down you will eat less. You might set a minimum time to eat your meal. Periodically during the meal take a break for 2 minutes during which you don’t eat. Gradually increase these breaks to 5 minutes. If you must have dessert, wait at least 20 minutes from the end of the rest of the meal.

 

Take small bites and chew very thoroughly. Be sure to set down your utensils while chewing.

 

Pay full attention to your eating. Minimize doing other things, such as talking and thinking, while eating. Put your full attention on all of the details of eating while you eat slowly. Notice in detail how the food looks, smells, and feels as you prepare it to eat and bring it toward your mouth. Notice in detail how the food smells, tastes, and feels as you chew and swallow it. If you put your full attention on eating, you will have more pleasure eating than before, when you ate more but much of the eating was automatic and unconscious. This practice will also be useful for your concentration, quieting your mind, and/or meditation and mindfulness.

 

Eat your favorite food on the plate first rather than saving it for last. If you save it for last, you will probably eat all of it even if you are pretty full; while if less desirable foods are last, you might Stop eating sooner.

 

Don’t start your program by trying to eliminate your favorite foods. Start by cutting back on the eating of less desirable foods and gradually build up to your favorites.

 

Don’t eat to avoid waste. Don’t help others finish their meals. Don’t eat something because there is not enough to save or you don’t want to throw food away.

 

Your health is more important than waste. Your waist is more important than your waste. Find other things to do with left-over food other than eating it now.

 

Stop eating before you are full. Then immediately remove the food from the table or leave the table. Practice leaving some food on your plate at the end of a meal. Start by leaving some of the least desirable food and then gradually work up to leaving some of the most desirable food.

 

Sit down. Slow down. Cut down.

 

DESIRES

 

You may need to work on your general desire for food. If so, see the last half of Chapter 10 (Out of Habit) for the section on desires, including disrupting desires, overloading procedures, and the use of unpleasant associations.

 

SUPPORT FROM OTHERS

 

It is common for other people to encourage your overeating or even sabotage your attempts to lose weight. There are many possible reasons for this. For example, a mother may encourage her child to eat more because she thinks it is healthier. A wife may want her husband to eat a lot because meals are an important part of their relationship or time together. A man may find his wife more attractive when she is plump. Or a man may want his wife fat so she will be less attractive to other men.

 

Notice to what extent other people encourage you to overeat and/or do or say things that slow up your weight control program. When you find other people working against you in one of these ways, talk with them and find out their reasons for what they are doing. Try to get them to co-operate with you in your program. In some cases, such as a spouse who continually sabotages your programs for reasons he or she won’t discuss, you both may need to see a professional counselor.

 

Don’t let yourself be forced into overeating. You make the decisions on what you eat. Sample different foods and compliment the person who prepared them, but don’t overeat to flatter. Be polite, but don’t be pushed. Similarly, you don’t have to eat cookies or cake because someone gave them to you for your home. You can appreciate the gift; but you don’t have to eat it. Health is more important than a false sense of social responsibility.

 

On the other hand, do what you can to get other people to help and support your weight program, as is discussed in the last of Chapter 5 (Change of Scene). Get others to help you with different parts of your program and praise your work and improvement.

 

SOCIAL EATING

Many people have trouble with eating and weight control because food is tied into many social events and aspects of entertaining. But this need not be.

 

You can be a good host, entertaining people at your home, without serving food. Or if you do serve food, you can have the guests take extra food, such as left—over desserts, with them. If you have a party with snacks, fix some or many low calorie snacks, which many of your guests might appreciate. You might also fix food which is good but not your favorites. Also put all food in one area and avoid this area.

 

If you aregoing out to eat, eat some low calorie food before going. If you are going to a friend’s house, tell him or her well in advance that you are on a diet and what you would like to avoid. If you go to a restaurant, buy things separately (a la carte) rather than a complete meal, ask about food substitutes, and ask the waiter not to bring problem foods such as bread. When you are out to eat, enjoy what you choose to eat. Then rather than eating more, enjoy the people and the setting.

 

If you feel that you need some excuses for not eating more, then practice these excuses in advance. While at home use mental rehearsal, as described in Chapter 12, to imagine the social situation you will later be in. Then in your imagination practice your excuses to different situations that may arise. Here are some sample excuses: I just ate dinner and can’t eat any more right now. I can’t eat this right now, but will save it for later when I can really enjoy it. I can’t eat any more; I filled up on your wonderful.... No, thank you, I am saving room for....

 

LONG TERM MAINTENANCE

You can use the information in this chapter to put together a program that will work for you and let you lose whatever weight you want and then control your Weight. Be patient; it will take a little time and some work to find the program that is just right for you. Then when you have a pretty good program, stay with it. Be patient and consistent.

 

Some parts of the program are temporary, such as some of the avoiding procedures. These can be slowly phased out after your eating is under control. But many parts of the program will lead to long term habits that will be with you for as long as you want. You will learn control and skills you don’t now have.

 

Even after you have reached the goals of your program) continue to check your weight at least weekly and re-evaluate how you are doing and what you should do next. Also every now and then keep detailed records of your eating as described at the beginning of this chapter. This will help you stay in touch with your eating habits and your body.

 

The condition of your body is up to you. What are you going to do now?

 

SUGGESTED READING

The following are good books on weight loss, weight control, and related topics such as diet and exercise. The different books emphasize different things and are written in different ways. Therefore if weight loss and control is of particular interest to you, you would profit by reading one or more of these books.

SMOKING

 

Smoking tobacco is one of the major health problems in the United States. Over 40% of everyone in the U.S. smokes. It is a habit which is psychologically addicting and often physically addicting. This chapter will show you how to get free from this dangerous habit and how to stop smoking. The focus of the chapter is on smoking tobacco cigarettes, but the approach described also applies to smoking cigars and pipes and the smoking of marijuana.

 

HOW DID YOU BEGIN?

 

Why do people begin smoking? Why would a person choose to draw hot smoke into his lungs? For most people it is unpleasant at first; the body does not like it. Most people have to learn to like and need cigarettes. Why would they do that?

 

In most cases people begin smoking for social reasons. Some start because their friends smoke and they wish to be part of the group. Others take up smoking to appear older or more sophisticated. An unfortunate aspect of the women’s liberation movement was that more women began smoking; and becoming addicted is the opposite of becoming liberated. Children begin smoking at early ages, 10 years old not being uncommon. Children and teenagers are usually influenced by their friends to smoke and/or they imitate their parents who smoke. The fact that smoking is often not allowed or illegal usually just makes it more desirable and exciting to smoke.

 

BUT WHY CONTINUE?

 

But why do people continue to smoke, particularly if they can see how it hurts them? Here the reasons are many. Some people continue to smoke for social reasons. They are still concerned with maintaining some image or fitting in with their friends who smoke. For some people smoking reduces anxiety and they smoke when nervous or uptight. For others it gives them something to do with their hands. Some people learn to like the taste and/or the sensations of smoking.

 

For most smokers smoking becomes associated with many of the situations and activities of their lives. It becomes natural to have a cigarette after a meal, with a cocktail, when talking on the phone, and many other times. This is part of what makes smoking such a strong habit; it gets tied into much of a person’s life.

 

For most smokers smoking is a habit, an addiction. They can not stop smoking except for a short period of time, even if they think or say they can. But the main reason they can’t stop is that they don’t know how. This chapter will provide you with proven ways that will work for you.

 

It may be hard to stop, particularly if you have been smoking 2 to 3 packs a day for many years. But you can do it. Then when you have stopped, you have accomplished something you deserve to take great pride

in. Here is a chance to do something significant with your life.

 

A STOP SMOKING PROGRAM

 

It is time now for you to get on with your own program to stop smoking. This chapter suggests many things to do. Pick out those suggestions that make sense to you; but the more you include, the better. Then get started with your program. Be prepared to revise your program as you see how to make it better for you. If you stay with it you can do it. It is important that you reward yourself for carrying out your program; so review Chapter 8 (Getting Motivated) and include ways to increase motivation. One way to get more motivated is to make a list of reasons for stopping.

 

REASONS TO STOP

 

Make a list of reasons for quitting smoking, reasons that are meaningful to you. Some possible reasons are given below. Post this list in a very visible place and read through the list every day. Add to the list as you think of new reasons. After you have done this for a few weeks, pick 4 or 5 of the reasons that are the most important to you and put these on a list. for daily review. Save the longer list and get it out occasionally and go through it. Now here are some good reasons to stop smoking;

 

Smoking is terrible to your health. Smokers get more illnesses, miss more work, spend more days in the hospital, have more surgery, and die earlier than nonsmokers. Smokers are 10—50 times more likely to die of lung cancer, the type of cancer that causes the most deaths. Smokers are also more vulnerable to cancers of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, and bladder. Smoking often leads to heart disease, bronchitis, and emphysema. Smoking can result in more colds, trouble sleeping, and a greater chance of an unsuccessful pregnancy. Smoking can lead to decreased stamina and shortness of breath. Smoking can cause bad breath, a hacking cough, waking up with a coated tongue, and stained teeth and fingers. Smoking can decrease your senses of taste and smell. On the positive side, if you quit smoking, your body can probably repair itself and you will eventually be as healthy as if you had never smoked!

 

Smokers live in a self—created smog. The smell of smoke gets into their clothes and hair. Their homes and cars smell. They often leave vile-smelling ashtrays about. Smokers drop ashes all about and sometimes burn holes in papers, clothes, and furniture. Many smokers have set fire to their bed and/or house. Some smokers spend a lot of time and concern checking to see if they have left a cigarette lit somewhere.

 

Smoking can hurt others around you who are forced to breathe your smoke. For example, children of smokers are more susceptible to respiratory diseases than children of non—smokers. Some people don’t like to be around smokers. They don’t like the smoke and don’t want it on their clothes and person. Smoking while people are eating can foul up their tastes. Your smoking can be a bad example to your children and other people. If you are a smoker, you are partially responsible if your children become smokers, even if you tell them not to.

 

Smoking costs a lot of money. Consider how much you spend for cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, pipes, humidors, etc. Stop now and figure out about how much you spend a year on smoking. For example, if you smoke just one pack of cigarettes a day, that is 365 packs a year. How much is that at the current cost per pack? One thing you might do as you stop smoking is put aside the money you save each day or week into a fund for something special. You might put this money in a glass jar and watch it mount up. Another way you might save money is on your insurance. Some insurance companies give discounts to non—smokers (auto, home, life) be cause they are healthier and less of a risk.

 

Smoking is an addiction that can lead to strange behaviors. A smoker out of cigarettes may drive around at night looking for a place that is open and sells cigarettes, or he may smoke butts he finds in ashtrays. A smoker may leave a movie or concert in the middle because he craves cigarettes. Thoughts and concerns about cigarettes may dominate a smoker’s mind so he cannot fully enjoy other things.

 

So ask yourself which is stronger: You or a cigarette? You or the multimillion dollar attack by the cigarette manufacturers? You or the social pressure from others? Stopping smoking can lead to great freedom.

 

EXCUSES

 

Most smokers are really good at coming up with excuses for why they can not quit right now and/or why smoking is not as harmful for them as others. Be alert for any of your excuses and don’t fall for them! Smoking is bad for you and you can quit now.

 

Some smokers argue they can’t quit because they are too old, they have been smoking too long, or they are physiologically addicted. This is nonsense. Anyone can quit if he is willing to work at it.

 

Many smokers argue that the pleasure they get from smoking is worth any disadvantages. But this is the type of justification that addicts of all kinds use. And it doesn’t hold up. First of all, the world is filled with more sources of pleasure than you could ever enjoy, and many are much better than smoking. So you can have just as much, or more, pleasure in life without smoking. Also your life will become more pleasurable when you quit, for many reasons including improved health, better senses of smell and taste, and greater overall freedom.

 

Many smokers argue they could quit any time they wanted to, but now is not the time because.... This is a standard delaying tactic used by addicts. If you can quit, then do it now! Perhaps you are avoiding quitting because you are afraid to find out you are more caught by cigarettes than you want to believe. Don’t worry; this chapter shows you how to quit.

 

Some people are concerned about stopping smoking because they might gain weight. If this happens it will probably just be a few temporary pounds. If you weigh yourself daily beginning a week before you stop smoking, you will probably find that any weight gain due to quitting smoking is pretty small. First stop smoking and then lose any weight you wish. The skills you learn from stopping smoking will help you with any weight loss. (See the previous chapter on weight loss.)

 

OBSERVE YOUR SMOKING

 

It is very important to spend some time observing your smoking and keeping written records about when and how you smoke. It would be useful here to review Chapter 3 (Know Yourself).

 

You should keep written records of your smoking, as described below, for one to two weeks before beginning your program to stop. These records will help you know what to emphasize in your program. In addition, make a graph on which you put the number of cigarettes smoked each day. Continue keeping the graph and written records during the time you are carrying out your program to stop. They will help you watch your progress and spot problem areas. The graph can also be a part of your program to reward yourself (see Chapter 8, Getting Motivated).

 

Your written records should have the following headings: Date and Time, Situation, Feelings, and Thoughts. Under “Date and Time” you write when you smoke each time. Under “Situation” you briefly describe the situation you are in at the time, including where you are, who is there, and what is happening. Under “Feelings” you put how you felt before smoking, such as anxious or excited. Under “Thoughts” write any thoughts you had about smoking or thoughts about your feelings just before you began to smoke.

 

Carry a piece of paper or notebook with you so that you can record every time you smoke, including when you get a cigarette from someone else. A records paper wrapped around your pack of cigarettes is one way to do this. Try to record your information as soon as possible. One good method is to record your information before lighting the cigarette. This may cause you not to smoke sometimes. After you have kept such records for a week or so, look carefully at them to learn more about when and why you smoke. Don’t continue further in this chapter until you have kept records for at least a week.

 

FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS

 

Look at what you listed under Feelings in your records. Do you often smoke when you are nervous, anxious, angry, irritable, or depressed? If so, then dealing with these feelings should be a part of your stop smoking program. If such feelings are the major reason you smoke, then you must work with the feelings first! See Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body and Mind), Chapter 7 (Calm and Relaxed Living) and Chapter 15 (Fears).

 

Next look at the thoughts you have before smoking, as listed in your records. Do some of your thoughts produce or increase feelings that lead to smoking? Are some of your thoughts excuses or justifications for smoking? If your thoughts do anything like this, review Chapter 11 (What Do You Think?) for ways to change your thoughts.

 

REMOVE, AVOID, RESTRICT

 

From your written records and from observing your smoking, make a list of situations and cues around which you tend to smoke. Think of ways to remove or avoid these situations and cues until your smoking is decreased. Review the techniques of removing and avoiding at the beginning of Chapter 5 (Change of Scene).

 

Remove . Get rid of all extra cigarettes. Do not buy a new pack until you have used up the old. Do not stockpile cigarettes. When ready to quit, get rid of all cigarettes anywhere. Also get all ashtrays, matches, lighters, and other smoking-related objects out of sight and hard to get to. Take the ashtray out of your car.

 

Avoid . During the first few weeks of your program avoid as many situations as you can in which you would usually smoke (see your written records for some of these situations). Thus you might avoid coffee breaks with others, card games, or parties. Go to places where you seldom or never smoke, such as movies, concerts, library, church, or homes of non-smoking friends. Have a list of non—smoking activities to do when you desire to smoke, activities such as exercising or showering. During the first few days of non-smoking you may wish to schedule many such activities during the day.

 

Restrict . Like overeating, a major problem with smoking is that people do it with so many activities, such as reading, watching television, and talking with others. These activities then become associated with smoking so that when doing one of them you tend to smoke. You turn on the television and light up a cigarette. So until you are ready to totally stop smoking it is helpful to restrict your smoking. When you smoke don’t do anything else. Don’t socialize or read;, just smoke. When at home restrict all your smoking to one place, such as a chair in the basement or garage. When you must smoke, go to that chair and smoke. Don’t do anything else while sitting and smoking. This restricting will weaken the habit and make it easier eventually to totally quit.

 

MAKE SMOKING A COMMOTION

 

Since it is very easy to smoke, most smokers smoke more than they want or need to. Thus a good way of reducing the smoking habit is to make it a commotion to smoke. One way is to put the cigarettes and matches in out-of-the-way places. The cigarettes might be on the top shelf of a cabinet that you must stand on a chair to get to; the matches might be in a box in the garage. Then when you want to smoke, get just one cigarette and return the cigarettes and matches to their out—of— the-way places.

 

When going out you might wrap up your cigarette pack in paper and string that you have to undo and re— wrap for every cigarette. Or you might tape a cigarette to your leg so you have to take off some clothes to get it.

 

Another way to make smoking a commotion is to have a ritual you must go through in order to smoke. For example, when you have the desire to smoke force yourself to wait 3 minutes. Then during this time try to do something else and not think about smoking. This will help break the habit.

 

MAKE SMOKING LESS DESIRABLE

 

To further weaken the smoking habit you may wish to make smoking less pleasant. You might smoke brands you don’t like or cigarettes you let get stale. The last half of Chapter 10 (Out of Habit) discusses dealing with desires, such as the desire to smoke. Included in this discussion is the technique of “unpleasant associations” which is a useful way to make Smoking less desirable.

 

ALTERNATIVES FOR HANDS AND MOUTH

 

For many smokers part of the support of their Smoking is that it gives them something to do with their hands and/or something to have in their mouths. Is this true for you? If it is, then when you start decreasing your smoking it may be useful to have other things to do with your hands and mouth. For your hands you might get a nice feeling stone, a key chain, or worry beads to handle. Part of the time you might use your hands for painting or knitting. Substitutes for your mouth might include gum, lifesavers, cloves, carrot sticks, toothpicks, or wooden matches with the heads cut off.

 

These are only temporary measures while you quit smoking. Later these can be phased out. If you have a need for something to do with your hands because you are nervous see Chapters 5 & 6 for relaxing and being more calm. Chapter 10 shows you how to reduce nervous habits, such as habits involving your hands and mouth.

 

QUITTING

 

Now it’s time for you to put all this together in a program which will lead to your becoming a nonsmoker. Let us review a few things. First you must be ready and motivated to stop. The list of reasons helps here. You also need to be careful you don’t fall for any excuses for why you can’t or shouldn’t quit. Then you need to observe your smoking and keep written records so you know what needs to be emphasized in a program that will work for you. Some people need to emphasize reducing feelings that lead to smoking. Others need to work more on what they think about smoking. All of these things should be done before the actual quitting of smoking.

 

Now quitting itself can be approached in one of two ways: gradual and cold turkey. In the gradual approach you slowly cut down how much you smoke until you have stopped smoking. This approach follows our rule of taking small steps. The cold turkey approach involves totally stopping all at once. You can also combine these by gradually decreasing to some level, say 10 or 5 cigarettes a day, and then quitting totally. You should choose the approach that you think will work best for you. If you are not sure, use the gradual approach.

 

Depending on which approach you take determines how you use some of the procedures discussed earlier: remove, avoid, restrict, making smoking a commotion, making smoking less desirable, and alternatives for hands and mouth. In the gradual approach you would gradually build these in as you reduce smoking. In the cold turkey approach you would do some of them to weaken the smoking habit and then do the rest when you quit for good. Whatever approach you take be sure to build in rewards for yourself both for carrying out the various steps in your program and for reducing and quitting smoking (see Chapter 8, Getting Motivated).

 

Cold turkey . If you decide to go cold turkey, be sure you are ready. Pick a day to quit when it will be easier than other days, a day when you won’t have to be in many situations that lead you to smoke, a day with few pressures, a day with other things to do. You might quit when an illness makes smoking unpleasant or impossible. Or you might quit on a day which has some significance to you such as the day after your birthday (Quitting on your birthday could be too hard and interfere with your birthday).

 

Gradual . There are many ways to gradually cut back on smoking. The simplest is to gradually reduce the number of cigarettes you allow yourself each day. Here are three other ways that often work better.

 

One way involves increasing the time between cigarettes. Start by gradually putting off the time of day when you have the first cigarette. Each day have your first cigarette 15 to 30 minutes later than the day before. Next gradually increase the amount of time between cigarettes. Timers and wrist alarms can be useful here.

 

The second way involves increasing the times of day during which you don’t smoke. From your written records find the times of day in which you smoke the least. Then don’t smoke at all during these times and gradually let these times get longer and longer each day. Also gradually add other non—smoking times into your day and increase them.

 

The third way to gradually decrease is to slowly eliminate the situations in which you smoke. Using your written records as a guide, make a rank order of the situations in which you want or need to smoke. This is a list with the top of the list being the situation you most smoke in and the bottom being the situation you least need to smoke. Then start by eliminating smoking in the situation at the bottom of your list and slowly work your way up the list, eliminating Smoking in situation after situation.

 

While reducing how much you smoke, it is also useful to reduce the inhaling of tar and nicotine. Don’t smoke cigarettes all the way, as you get the most tar and nicotine in the last of the cigarette. Consider switching to cigarettes which have less and less tar and nicotine. Reduce inhaling. Take short drags or just puff. Or switch to big cigars you don’t inhale.

 

Whether you use gradual approaches, cold turkey, or some combination, soon you will be a non—smoker. This is an accomplishment to be proud of. After you quit keep many parts of your program going for a while and then gradually phase off them. For example, you may wish to continue working with your feelings or avoiding some smoking situations. For a few weeks continue to record each day of non—smoking and the amount of money saved.

 

STAYING A NON-SMOKER

 

Now that you have stopped smoking you have done something very good for your body and mind. Just don’t start again for any reason! Don’t worry about never smoking again; only be concerned about not smoking the next cigarette. You’ll have no trouble if you just take things a day at a time. Occasionally get out your list of reasons for stopping and review the advantages of being a non—smoker.

 

A trap for many ex—smokers is that at some time they come up with reasons for smoking again. It is very important that you know about this trap in advance and decide now that no matter what the reason you don’t start smoking. You need to realize this now because when the time comes you may fall for the reason. Know in advance that there is no good reason; it is only your mind setting a trap.

 

Here are two common “reasons” ex—smokers often fall for. The first is that because of problems in the person’s life smoking is somehow justified. The person tells himself that somehow smoking will help him cope with his problems and the disadvantages of smoking are minor compared to these other problems. This is nonsense. There are better ways of dealing with the problems and starting smoking just adds another problem.

 

The second common trap is for the ex-smoker to tell himself that now that he has stopped he can have an occasional cigarette every now and then. After all, one every week or so can’t hurt. Well, the occasional cigarette becomes more and more frequent surprisingly fast. Soon the person is back smoking as much as before he quit. It is best not to smoke at all.

 

If, however, for whatever reasons you do start again, don’t get discouraged or believe you cannot stop. Learn from your mistakes, revise your program, and get on with becoming a non—smoker. You are probably somewhat healthier from the time you did stop and you certainly learned things that will help you stop again.

 

You can become and remain a non-smoker. The choice is yours. What are you going to do now?

 

SUGGESTED READING

 

 

 

Drinking too much alcohol is one of the major health problems in the United States and one of the major causes of death. There are about 10 million alcoholics in the U.S. and the average life span of alcoholics is 12 years less than for non—alcoholics. A person who drinks four or more drinks a day, as compared to the non-drinker, is twice as likely to die of heart disease, twice as likely to die of cancer, and twelve times as likely to get cirrhosis of the liver. Drinking while pregnant can lead to infant death or birth defects. Drinking can lead to nausea, hangovers, and sexual problems such as impotence. Alcohol has a surprising number of calories, a problem for people concerned about their weight. One ounce of alcohol has about 100 calories and a bottle of beer can contain 160 calories. In varying degrees drinkers can become physiologically addicted to alcohol as their bodies adjust to the alcohol. This can lead to withdrawal symptoms such as headaches and tension which can lead to convulsions and hallucinations. (If you experience any of these physiological effects, see a doctor.)

 

Alcohol is a factor in one-third of all murders and other violent crimes in the U.S. One—half of all fatal traffic accidents involve a drinking driver. Drinking problems often lead to problems with family, friends and work. It can lead to loss of control, such as passing out at a party, vomiting at a nightclub, or falling down. Drinking can make people unpleasant to be with, as when they get too depressed, aggressive, loud, or foolish. People can spend a lot of money on alcohol, particularly buying mixed drinks in bars.

 

Given all these disadvantages, why do so many people drink alcohol? For some people alcohol helps reduce anxiety or boredom. It gives them temporary escape from some of their problems. Most drinkers began drinking and continue drinking for social reasons. Drinking is an important part of many parties and other Social events. People are often encouraged and rewarded by others for drinking and perhaps for getting drunk. Drinking is often an excuse for people to act uninhibited and get away with things they would not ordinarily do or say. Many men consider drinking a lot to be a sign of manhood. Thus it is often difficult for a man to admit to himself or others he has a drinking problem.

 

It can be seen that the immediate effects of drinking are often pleasurable, such as a reduction in anxiety and social approval of friends. While the negative aspects of drinking, such as health and family problems, are more long range. This is a common trap of many addictions, including eating, drinking, and smoking too much. For a person’s behavior is often more influenced by immediate effects than long term effects. Self-control often involves getting free from this trap so that long term effects have an equal or greater influence.

 

The concern of this chapter is not whether you drink alcohol or not; that is your decision. The concern here is whether you have a problem with drinking, if drinking has become a habit out of control, if you drink more than you wish or should. A glass of wine with dinner or a couple of drinks at a party is one thing; but a habit out of control that hurts your body, mind, and life is another thing.

 

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

 

The first thing is that you must be totally honest with yourself about whether you have a drinking problem. Here are some questions to ask yourself: Would you have trouble going for a week without having a drink? Do you often need a drink to do something or go somewhere? Do you drink early in the day? Do you often drink alone? Do you ever drive while drunk? Have you had any contacts with the law due to drinking? Do you ever go to work intoxicated? Do you drink before going to a place where you will drink much more? Do you do things while drunk you would not do otherwise? Does your drinking have any negative effects on your family, friends, or work? If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may have a drinking problem or the beginning of a problem.

 

REDUCING DRINKING

 

The rest of this chapter contains suggestions for what you might put into your program to reduce your drinking. It is necessary for you to develop a program that is geared for you. Revise your program as you see ways to improve it, and stay with it until your drinking is under control. Be sure to give a strong emphasis to motivation and reward in your program (see Chapter 8, Getting Motivated). Also it would be useful to read the two previous chapters on eating and smoking, as they should give you some ideas you can apply to drinking.

 

Some people with a drinking problem can learn controlled drinking. They can learn to have a drink or two and stop. This is often possible if the drinking problem is not yet too serious. However, many other people with drinking problems must totally stop drinking. If they have even a drink or two it will probably lead back to problem drinking. Even if you are sure you can learn controlled drinking, it would be best for you to totally stop for a while and not do any drinking until you straighten out other problems in your life.

 

For some of you it would be best to seek professional help (see Chapter 28, Choosing a Counselor). The drinking problem may be too difficult for you to handle yourself. Or you may need help with problems related to your drinking, such as problems with your marriage or work. Don’t be embarrassed about seeking help; it is often the best thing to do.

 

Now let us consider what you can do for yourself.

 

REASONS TO DECREASE DRINKING

 

To help with your motivation it is useful to make a list of reasons to decrease drinking, reasons that are important to you. The material at the beginning of this chapter may suggest some reasons. After you have made your list, post it in a place you see often. Then read through the list at least once a day. Add new reasons to the list as you think of them.

 

After doing this for a few weeks, pick 4 or 5 of your best reasons and post this list for your daily review. Save your larger list and every now and then get it out and go through it.

 

OBSERVE YOUR DRINKING

 

It is very important that you practice objectively observing when and where you drink, why you drink, and how much you drink. This is the first step in selfcontrol of drinking. It would be good here to review Chapter 3 (Know Yourself).

 

It is easy for anyone to overlook important aspects of his drinking and/or fool himself about what he really does. Therefore it is important to keep written records for two weeks before beginning your program to decrease drinking and to continue these written records while carrying out the program.

 

Your written records should have the following headings: Date & Time, Situation, Feelings, Desire, Thoughts, What Drunk, and Reactions of Others. Under “Situation” write where you are, who is there, and what is going on. Under “Feelings” note how you felt before drinking, such as anxious, angry, bored, or excited. For “Desire” put a number from 1 to 5 that indicates how strong your desire to drink was: 1 means you really needed a drink; 2 means you needed a drink but could have let it go; 3 is you wanted a drink but didn’t need it; 4 means the drink was desirable but not necessary; and 5 is for when there was some question about whether or not you would have the drink. Under “Thoughts” record any thoughts you had before and during drinking which were related to your feelings, desires, or drinking. In the “What Drunk” column list what types of drinks you had and how much, such as number of bottles of beer or ounces of whiskey. Learn to estimate ounces by pouring drinking glasses of water into a measuring cup. For “Reactions of Others” note how the people around you reacted to your drinking. Did they encourage your drinking? Did they discourage you?

 

Carry your record sheet or record notebook with you. Then record the above information as soon as possible after each time you did some drinking. This will be very useful information for your program. Keep these records for at least two weeks before continuing further in this chapter.

 

RELATED PROBLEMS

 

Look over your records and think about why you drink. Is a major reason you drink because of difficulties in some area of your life, like marriage problems, job dissatisfaction, or interpersonal problems. If so, then these problems need to be dealt with first or at the same time.

 

From the “Feelings” column in your records and from what you know about yourself, to what extent do you drink to change your feelings? Do you drink because you are anxious, angry, or bored? If so, it is important that you learn other ways to handle your feelings. Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body and Mind) and Chapter 7 (Calm and Relaxed Living) should be useful here. Chapter 15 (Fears) shows you how to deal with situations that cause anxiety. The same approach can be used for other unwanted feelings, such as anger or jealousy.

 

THOUGHTS

 

Look at the “Thoughts” column of your records. What types of thoughts do you have before and during drinking? Do some of these thoughts cause or increase feelings that lead to drinking? Do some of the thoughts encourage, justify, or excuse drinking? If your thoughts do any of these things or anything else undesirable, then review Chapter 11 (What Do You Think) for ways to evaluate and change thoughts.

 

REMOVE AND AVOID

 

It is useful to you to come to understand the times, situations, and cues that lead to or are associated with your drinking. You can learn about these from your written records and from generally observing your drinking patterns. From the “Date & Time” column of your records see if there are certain days of the week and times of day when you drink the most. From the “Situation” column see if you do most of your drinking in certain places, with certain people, or during certain occasions. When you see the pattern to your drinking, you can think of ways to break the pattern, break the chain of events that leads to drinking. Think of ways you can alter or avoid situations that lead to drinking. The first part of Chapter 5 (Change of Scene) discusses some ways to remove and avoid.

 

Remove . Put all your drinking related things in one place out of the way. Don’t have a wine decanter on the table or a flask in your desk drawer. If you plan to stop drinking, get all alcohol out of the house. You might want to give your money to your Spouse or a friend so you can’t buy alcohol.

 

Avoid . Until your drinking is under control, avoid those situations where you usually drink or there is most pressure on you to drink. Thus for a while you might avoid bars, parties, dining out, certain friends, or stressful situations.

 

ALTERNATIVES

 

Look for alternatives to drinking. If you drink alcohol to quench your thirst, drink something else instead, such as juice or water. In drinking situations drink something non-alcoholic such as tonic water and lime without alcohol or bloody Mary mix without vodka. Look for non-drinking activities to do when you feel the urge to drink or when you wish to avoid the urge, activities such as exercise or a hobby. Find new social activities that do not require drinking, such as sports, organized games, and movies.

 

How much do your friends influence your drinking? Review the “Reactions of Others” on your written records. Are you locked into a group of friends in which drinking is an important part of what you do? Perhaps you should develop non-drinking activities with your friends. Perhaps you should add some new friends. Perhaps you should avoid some of your old friends.

 

If there is a lot of social pressure on you to drink, practice ways of refusing to drink. Here the techniques of mental rehearsal (Chapter 12) will be very useful. Practice what you will say in different situations (“Not right now, thank you.” “I’ve reached my limit.” “I’m the driver.” “I’m taking medication.”) Practice what you will say under strong pressure.

 

DECREASING DESIRES

 

Observe and study your desire to drink. Be honest with yourself! Review your records about your desires. Then consult the last half of Chapter 10 (Out of Habit) for ways to work with and decrease your desires.

 

CUTTING DOWN

 

Using our strategy of small steps, gradually start cutting down on how much you drink. Here are a number of ways to do it. You should do these and reward yourself for doing them.

 

Slow down your drinking. This is useful for almost everyone. Learn to sip your drink rather than gulp it down. Set your drink down between sips and space out your drinking. You might set a time limit for yourself, such as only so many sips in 15 minutes or so many drinks in an hour or an evening. If you use time limits, it is good to decide on them in advance.

 

Gradually phase into drinks of lower alcoholic content. To do this become more familiar with the alcoholic content of various drinks. If you usually drink straight liquor, start by phasing into liquor plus mix. Then switch to beer or wine.

 

Cut back on the situations in which you drink.

 

From your records of situations and desires (1-5) rank order the situations in terms of how much you want or need to drink in the situation. The top of the list are situations where the desire is strongest (ratings of 1) and the bottom of the list are situations with the weakest desire (5). Then start at the bottom of the list and eliminate drinking in that situation. After you can do that, eliminate drinking in the situation second from the bottom. And so you gradually move up through the whole list.

 

Now do the same with times of day. Divide the day into blocks of time and rank order them from times you drink the most (top of the list) to times you drink the least. Then eliminate all drinking during the time block on the bottom of the list. When you can do this, move to the next time block and so on up the list.

 

Step by step you will gradually reduce your drinking until you are not drinking too much. Good for you! Then continue reducing your drinking until you are not drinking at all. Don’t drink for a few months until you have broken all aspects of the habit and all associations to drinking.

 

You can do it. Just take a step at a time.

 

STAYING FREE

 

Even after you have stopped drinking you should continue those parts of your program that still apply, such as learning better ways to handle your feelings, reducing thoughts that have led to drinking, and practicing resisting social pressure to drink.

 

Occasionally get out your long list of reasons for not drinking too much and read through it and think about it.

 

If you slip and start drinking again, don’t panic. Improve your program and work to stop again.

 

If your drinking problem was not too severe, then after a few months you may choose to drink occasionally. However, if this leads you back into problem drinking, then controlled drinking may not be for you. No drinking may be the best solution. If you are not sure if you are drinking too much, keep written records of amount drunk for a couple of weeks.

 

But whichever way you go, you can get control of your drinking rather than have it control you. You will then improve your health, your mind, and your life This is something to be very proud of.

 

SUGGESTED READING

 

SEX

 

People have many different attitudes, belief s, and feelings about sex. People are influenced by the culture they are raised in and the attitudes and beliefs of their parents, friends, and religious teachers.  People are also influenced by the type of sexual education they receive and their own sexual experiences. The purpose of this chapter is not to tell you what you should or should not do or what is moral. Rather, the purpose is to help you better accomplish what you consider desirable and right.

 

Sex between two people can be much more than an act of pleasure or a way to produce children. It can be an expression of love, a form of communication, an act of mutual giving and surrender, and a blending of individuals into something more than individual experience. But for most people there are many obstacles between them and the most fulfilling sex. This chapter shows you how to remove many of these obstacles.

 

UPTIGHTNESS

 

Most people are very uptight about sex. The American culture is very uptight about sex. For many people it is a topic they feel uncomfortable talking about; it is considered too personal. It is often emotionally tied up in a person’s sense of manhood or womanhood. Thus it is usually easier for a person to say he or she is hooked on cigarettes than to admit to being sexually impotent. Yet both are common problems in daily living and it is usually easier to cure the impotence than the cigarette addiction.

 

Because people are so touchy and anxious about talking about sex, there is very poor communication about sex between sexual partners and between parents and their children. This results in many problems, including couples not getting the most from their sex life and children receiving poor sex education. It also carries over into general attitudes of the culture. There is something questionable about a culture that allows its children to watch very violent movies in which people are hurt and killed, yet forbids children to see many forms of expression of love which are considered to be too sexual.

 

INADEQUATE EDUCATION

 

Because Americans are so uptight about sex and because of various moral beliefs about sex, most Americans receive a very inadequate sexual education, whether in the home or elsewhere. This inadequate education is then a major cause of people feeling uptight and anxious about sex. So the inadequate education and up- tightness continually support each other. It is thus necessary to break out of this trap.

 

Parents and friends do most of the sex education in America. But since most of them have had a limited sexual education, they can only pass on their own thoughts based on their own experiences, as well as their own fears, biases, and misunderstandings. In addition, most parents feel anxious talking about sex with their children so they don’t communicate well, don’t answer questions well, and/or don’t sense what the child can best understand.

 

The schools are a second source of sex education; but many people have strong feelings about whether schools should be doing this and/or what should be covered. Many parents are concerned that if their children learn about it, they will do it. The schools have thus been very restricted and have usually limited themselves to discussing the biology of sex and/or attitudes about sex.

 

Other sources of sex education are not much better. Although there are some good sex manuals (see suggested readings), there are also some terrible ones and most are inadequate or poor. Information from friends may contain some true and useful things, but it usually also contains myths, rumors, exaggerations, and preposterous claims. The family doctor is often the resource for sexual problems. But he or she probably has not had any more formal sex education than you. Our culture is so uptight about sex we have not even educated our doctors adequately, a situation which is now slowly changing.

 

The point of all this is that most people have received a very poor sexual education and have learned many incorrect things. So if you have any type of sexual problem, be sure to get the facts. Don’t assume that you know everything and don’t assume that everything you know is correct. Get the facts.

 

TROUBLESOME BELIEFS

 

There are some common examples of attitudes and misperceptions that impair people’s sexual satisfaction. These troublesome beliefs, uncovered by researchers Masters and Johnson and others, result from inadequate education and social—religious influences.

 

Error 1. Women need not or should not experience pleasure. In the first half of this century in America a dominant point of view was that sex was something that women did to have children and/or something they put up with to satisfy their husbands’ needs. Sex was at best necessary and at worst disgusting or painful. Few men devoted much attention to maximizing their partners’ pleasure. Of course, there were many exceptions to these attitudes, and these beliefs are rapidly changing. But there are still many people who tend to think this way. The facts: Sex can be very pleasant to everyone involved if each person learns how to best please his or her partner.

 

Error 2. Women have one orgasm which produces satisfaction. Since this is generally true of men, men have fostered the belief it is also true for women. The facts: Some women are satisfied after one orgasm. Some women occasionally have several orgasms in a row. There are great individual differences among women.

 

Error 3. Women can have two different types of orgasm, clitoral and vaginal. Some women believe that one type is better than the other and/or it is important to experience both types. The facts: There is only one type of orgasm, although one’s experience of it may vary from time to time.

 

Error 4. A man naturally knows what is pleasing to his partner. Although people may not think of it this way, this is a very widespread belief. Because of this belief most men would be too embarrassed to admit to their partners they don’t know the best way to sexually please them. The facts: Most men have had an inadequate sexual education. Also there are tremendous differences among women; what is pleasing to one is not necessarily pleasing to another. Thus the wise man or woman learns to ask his or her partner about these things.

 

Error 5. The size of the penis is very important in satisfying a woman. Many men are very concerned about the size of their penises. The facts: Although some women prefer penises of a certain size or shape, most women are very pleased with their partner’s penis regardless of size. Also, although there are differences among the sizes of unerect penises, these differences are much less among erect penises. Finally, the woman’s vaginal muscles usually contract to fit whatever the size of the penis. Thus the size of an unerect penis is not that important in satisfying a woman.

 

Error 6. The male above position in intercourse is the best position and/or the only moral position. The male above position is also called the missionary position because Christian missionaries traveled around the world teaching that all other positions were sinful. A number of years ago most of the states in America had laws against practicing any other position. The male above position is still the most popular and many people feel very uncomfortable with any other position. The facts: Christ did not teach the necessity of this position. In terms of maximizing both partners’ pleasure, other positions, such as the female above position, may be preferable. Or it may be best to use two or more positions during a lovemaking session and/or over a period of time.

 

Error 7. Optimal sexual intercourse involves both partners having orgasm at the same time. This simultaneous orgasm is the stated goal of many sex manuals. The facts: Optimal sex involves the pleasure of both partners, regardless of whether or not there is simultaneous orgasm. You may try to have simultaneous orgasm if you wish, but it should not be the goal of intercourse. Better goals would be in terms of love, pleasure, communication, and union.

 

Many other troublesome beliefs could be listed, but this is not a book on sex education. Rather, from these examples you can see the types of traps many people fall into. It may be that some of the obstacles in your way are based on similar beliefs or attitudes that you have always accepted but never really thought about. It is always useful to question why you believe something. Get the facts. See whether you have an attitude that needs changing. Don’t cling to your approach to sex just because that is how you have always done it. Be flexible; try new things. Relax, don’t be uptight.

 

SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

 

Most Americans become sexually mature before they have the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse. Many people are sexually mature before they even begin dating. When this is coupled with inadequate sex education it can lead to many problems. Let us consider one possibility. Johnny is 13 years old and has little interest in dating yet. He enjoys wrestling around with the girl down the street, but that is all. However, Johnny is sexually mature physically and occasionally sexually aroused, although he doesn’t know why. In need of a sexual outlet Johnny has learned to masturbate when aroused. But what does Johnny think about while masturbating? Because of his inadequate sex education he does not think about a loving relationship with a women expressed in sexual intercourse. Rather he might think about wrestling with the girl down the street. Now over time this leads him to associate sexual arousal with playing rough with women. When he is 18 he finds that he enjoys hurting women and is most aroused by fantasies of hurting women. In addition he finds he is not as sexually aroused by kissing or gentle caressing.

 

Now the above example is greatly oversimplified, but it illustrates some important points. People are often sexually mature and sexually arousable before they have associated sexual arousal with what might be considered the desirable or appropriate things. Left to their own and to chance they come to be sexually aroused and attracted by one or more of a wide range of things. This is particularly true of sexual fantasies during masturbation.

 

As a result people differ greatly in terms of what is sexually arousing. One person is attracted to thin women, another is attracted to fat women. One person is attracted to athletic looking men, another is attracted to studious looking men. One likes a dominant partner, another likes a submissive partner. Some people are most aroused when their partner is nude; others prefer their partners dressed in leather. People are aroused by a wide range of sexual fantasies.

 

What is sexually arousing to you depends on your experiences, the people you encountered, and the influences of your family and culture. Problems arise when your desires and needs cannot be met, when your preferences limit your relationship with an important person, or when your desires or preferences lead you to act in ways that hurt or offend others. In some of these cases you may profit from professional help.

 

PROFESSIONAL HELP?

 

Sexual problems can easily lead to more complex personal and interpersonal problems. This is particularly true when the person is very sensitive and uptight about sex and thus has difficulty talking about his or her problem. As a result, sexual problems often lead to more serious sexual dysfunctions, such as sexual anxieties, lack of sexual responsiveness, inability to achieve or maintain an erection, or inability to experience orgasm in intercourse. Sexual problems and dysfunctions can then lead to interpersonal problems and marriage difficulties, and these can lead to further problems.

 

Therefore many people with sexual problems should seek professional help in sorting out all the interrelated problems and doing something about them. This is especially true if your problems are particularly severe or complicated. See Chapter 28 (Choosing a Counselor) for suggestions on finding the right professional, to help.

 

On the other hand, there are many things you can do for yourself without professional help, as will be described in the rest of this chapter. You will find ways to overcome some common sexual problems. You will also learn ways to improve your sex life even if you have no major problems.

 

In the remainder of this chapter, the first three sections (1. Get the facts. 2. Know yourself. 3. Communication) apply to almost everyone who wishes to improve his or her sex life. The next three sections (4. Medical checkup. 5. Anxiety. 6. General principles) apply to anyone with any type of sexual problem or dysfunction. The last two sections (7. Specific dysfunctions. 8. Sexual fantasies) deal with working with some specific problem areas.

 

1. GET THE FACTS

 

Earlier in this chapter was discussed the inadequate sex education most people receive and some examples of common troublesome beliefs were given. The point is that many sex problems are based on faulty information, misperceptions, and irrational beliefs. So the first thing to do is be sure you have your facts right. If you believe a form of birth control will decrease your sexual feelings, get the facts. If you assume your partner enjoys a particular form of fore— play, ask your partner about it. If you are avoiding professional treatment of your sexual dysfunction because of what you think be involved, talk to some possible therapists.

 

Getting the facts may involve reading some books about sex and/or consulting a psychologist, sex therapist, or marriage counselor. Getting the facts should always involve discussions with your partner, as described below. Getting the facts also includes better understanding your own attitudes and beliefs about sex.

 

2. KNOW YOURSELF

 

As discussed throughout this whole book, it is always useful and important to get to know yourself better. This is particularly true in the area of sex where people’s uptightness keeps them from knowing themselves very well.

 

Make friends with your body. Don’t be uptight about your body. Relax. Many people can’t undress in front of their partners. Many people feel uncomfortable if their partners look at their bodies. Many people have to make love in the dark because they are too self—conscious about their bodies. Relax and make friends with your body.

 

Know your body. Many women have never looked closely at their genitals. Many men consider it perverted to look very closely at their penises. Most people have never looked very carefully at their bodies. Make friends with your body and get to know it better. Stand nude in front of a mirror and look at your body in detail. Don’t judge your body; just get to know it better. Take small steps! Don’t push yourself or get too anxious. Take your time and gradually get to know and love your body more and more. Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body and Mind) and Chapter 13 (Nutrition and Exercise) include suggestions on getting to know your body better.

 

Next get to know your partner’s body better and let him or her know your body better. Take small steps! Don’t progress too fast for either yourself or your partner. Rather, gradually let each other see and touch the other’s body and get to know it better.

 

Know your thoughts. What are your thoughts about sex when approached, during foreplay, during intercourse, afterwards, and other times? It might be useful to keep a written log of your thoughts. After determining what you think about sex, it is important to evaluate these thoughts. Are some of your thoughts based on faulty beliefs or lack of information? If so, get the facts. Are some of your thoughts irrational, self—defeating, or anxiety—producing? If so, you may wish to change some of these with the procedures of Chapter 11 (What Do You Think). Do you have specific attitudes and preferences about sexual behavior? If so, then you should discuss these with your partner.

 

Know your feelings. Know the emotions you feel in different sexual situations. Are there some feelings, such as anxiety, that need to be reduced? Know your likes and dislikes and communicate these to your partner.

 

3. COMMUNICATION

 

Communicating with your partner about your sexual preferences and problems is the most important thing you can do to generally enhance your sex life and/or overcome specific sexual problems. You and your partner can improve your sexual interactions by better communicating to each other your particular likes and dislikes. For example, you may find there are some sexual fantasies that the two of you can play with.

 

Similarly, if you have a sexual problem and a regular sexual partner, you can best work on the problem if your partner understands about the problem and can help you. The two of you working together is the best approach. When two people are involved in a relationship, a sexual problem is not the problem of one person. Both people are involved and should work together.

 

Unfortunately, because people are so uptight about sex, they often find talking about sex to be uncomfortable. Thus many people are poor communicators when it comes to sex, when this is a topic that needs much better communication. So work at communicating more with your partner about sexual things. Don’t push yourself too fast. Take small steps and gradually communicate more and more. Open up at your own rate; but keep moving toward greater communication. Similarly, encourage more communication from your partner, but don’t push him or her too fast. Take small steps. Respect your partner’s feelings and preferences; don’t judge or evaluate them. Emphasize how you can improve things; don’t spend time on who is at fault. Try to come up with specific, positive ideas and plans. See Chapter 27 (Communication) for more on improving communication.

 

Have open discussions with your partner about sexual topics of importance to one or both of you. If these discussions do not naturally occur often enough, then set aside or schedule specific times for such discussions. It is very important that you create enough time for these discussions! The following are some possible topics for discussion: how each person initiates and declines sexual activity and how this makes the other person feel, preferences and opinions about various foreplay activities and intercourse positions, ways to make sex more pleasurable and/or more varied, attitudes and preferences about various sexual practices such as masturbation and oral-genital activities, frequency and location of having sex, and the possible use of erotic material such as books and magazines.

 

Many people’s sex life eventually becomes fairly stereotyped and routine. Intercourse is basically practiced in the same way in the same places at the same times. There are no more surprises or improvisations. Look for ways of adding more variety to your sex life. Communicate with your partner about what could be done here.

 

“Sensate focus” is a very useful practice for sexual partners to communicate and learn about improving their sexual activities. It is a practice in touching each other and communicating preferences. To begin each session of sensate focus set aside a time and place in which you won’t be disturbed. Next, create a relaxing and pleasing setting. This might involve soft music in the background, incense, and/or glasses of wine. Lights need to be on, but can be dim.

 

Begin by lying nude together and just talking. (If this is too upsetting, begin with some clothes on and then gradually remove the clothes. Take your time, even if it involves doing it gradually during several sessions over a few days. Take small steps.) Spend some time just lying near each other and talking. Talk about pleasant things, not topics of conflict or anxiety.

 

The next step involves touching each other. This step can be begun on the first session of sensate focus or you may prefer to wait until a later session. Here you take turns giving and receiving. First one person is the receiver and is touched and caressed by the other, the giver. Then after a while you switch who is giver and receiver. When you are the giver you gently touch, stroke, caress, and kiss the other person, avoiding breasts and genitals. When you are the receiver you tell the giver what you like most about what he or she is doing. Emphasize what you like, not what you don’t like. Give positive and specific suggestions to the giver about how to do something so it is most pleasurable to you. This may be done verbally, as in verbal suggestions or reactions, and/or non—verbally, as in guiding the giver’s hand.

 

When you are the giver you should be learning how to better please your partner. Don’t be upset because you learn things you did not know. Don’t be upset because what you learn surprises you or leads you to change the way you please your partner. Don’t be upset. Relax. Make it easy for the receiver to tell you things.

 

After one person has been the receiver for a while, say 10 to 20 minutes, switch roles so the other person is the receiver. Switch back and forth until you feel that is enough for one day’s session.

 

For the next session of sensate focus continue doing what you were doing before, but now add in touching and caressing the breasts and genitals. Move slowly here if you feel uncomfortable. Again take turns being giver and receiver. Do not stimulate the other person to orgasm. Do not treat this as foreplay to intercourse. Avoid intercourse at this time and just communicate about what is most pleasurable. Do this practice for two or more sessions and then do it every now and then for the next few years. Later variations of sensate focus can involve rubbing lotions into each other’s skin, practicing massage, and bathing or showering together.

 

Some time spent doing sensate focus with your partner will probably improve your sex life, facilitate communication, and perhaps reduce some sexual anxiety.

 

4. MEDICAL CHECKUP

 

Many sexual dysfunctions are caused by physical problems. For example, for some women painful intercourse or inability to have an orgasm may have a physical cause. Similarly for some impotent men the cause is physical. In most cases the physical problem can be treated quite easily. So if you have a sexual dysfunction of any type, the best first step is to get a physical checkup by a doctor familiar with physical causes of sexual disorders. Remember that only a few doctors have such training; so ask them first or get a referral.

 

5. ANXIETY

 

Anxiety is the major cause of most sexual problems and dysfunctions. Anxiety in a male may cause inadequate arousal, inability to achieve or maintain an erection, tendency to ejaculate too quickly or inability to ejaculate during intercourse. Anxiety in a female may cause inadequate arousal, too little lubrication for intercourse, excessive tension in the vaginal muscles, or inability to have an orgasm.

 

The possible causes of the anxiety are many. First is the general uptightness most people feel toward sex or some aspects of sex. Added to this for some people is the anxiety that results from some previous, perhaps unpleasant, sexual experiences. Then for some people there is anxiety about their sexual performance. For example, a man is impotent one time and is now anxious he will be impotent again. But the anxiety he feels makes it more likely he will be impotent again. So pretty soon the man is impotent most of the time, all because of anxiety.

 

The way out of all this, of course, is to relax. When you are involved in sex do not be concerned about how well you will perform. Forget about such goals. Just relax and enjoy the pleasure of the here and now. Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body and Mind) suggests ways to help you relax more. If your anxiety is based on a particular fear or unpleasant past experience, then review Chapter 15 (Fears). Relax. The following general principles can further help you relax and be less goal—oriented.

 

6. GENERAL PRINCIPLES

 

Here are some general principles which are useful in overcoming many sexual problems and dysfunctions.

 

First it is important to have realistic expectations. Some people have ideas about what “perfect” sexual intercourse should be like and then are disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way they think it should. Now if these ideas are unrealistic, the people are not enjoying sex as much as they could. Reality is that sometimes you have an orgasm and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you hold ejaculation for a long time and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you have simultaneous orgasm and sometimes you don’t. It is good to want to improve your sex life. But don’t set unrealistic goals. And don’t be upset when things don’t go the way you want or expect. Rather, try to always enjoy sex, regardless of the outcome.

 

Take small steps. Go slowly and stay relaxed. If you have problems during intercourse, approach intercourse very gradually. Build up your sexual arousal and response in a non—intercourse situation, such as a variation of sensate focus. Then gradually over days slowly move more and more in the direction of intercourse. Take your time! Stay relaxed. Review the use of hierarchies described in Chapter 15 (Fears) and apply the same approach here.

 

During sex forget about goals. Having some goal in mind impairs your sex and is bad for sexual problems. Remember the example of the man who was anxious he might be impotent and then the anxiety made him impotent. Forget about goals. Intercourse is often not the best immediate goal. And orgasm is not the sole measure of successful sex. Forget about goals and immerse yourself in the pleasure of the sexual activities you are involved in at the present.

 

Vary your sex life. One way to help break out of old problems is the strategy of Change of Scene (Chapter 5). Your sexual problems have become associated with where and how you have sex. Thus by changing these you break some of the associations and weaken the problems. So when you are ready to change some of your sexual behaviors, look for ways to change the time and place you have sex and the way you approach it.  Look for ways to change the setting, such as by

rearranging furniture of altering the lighting.

 

These principles apply to almost all sexual problems. Next are strategies for specific problems, strategies built on these principles.

 

7. SPECIFIC DYSFUNCTIONS

 

In this section are some ways of working with common specific sex problems. For many people these suggestions will be enough. However, if this is not enough for you or if you have trouble accomplishing what you want, be sure to seek some professional assistance (see Chapter 28, Choosing a Counselor).

 

Too little arousal. A person may find that she or he is often not as sexually aroused as desired. Sexual activities may not lead to the amount of sexual arousal necessary to enjoy sex most. Too little arousal may keep a person from having an orgasm. There are several things that can be done here.

 

First you should determine whether any feelings of anxiety may be part of the problem. This is very common. If so, then you should work on reducing the anxiety as discussed earlier in this chapter and elsewhere in the book (Chapters 6, 7, 11, 15). Next you should better communicate to your partner, as discussed earlier, those things which are sexually arousing to you. This includes places and times you make love, ways you like to be approached and touched, and ways you enjoy making love. It might also involve incense, perfume, pornography, or vibrators. If you are not sure yourself about what is most pleasurable, then you and your partner should experiment with different things and different ways. Finally, sexual fantasies often affect sexual arousal. This will be discussed later in this chapter.

 

Non-orgasmic female. Some women seldom or never have an orgasm. If you aren’t sure whether you have ever had an orgasm, you probably haven’t. Often the cause is physical and can usually be easily corrected. Sometimes the doctor or sex counselor can recommend some exercises to strengthen vaginal muscles, particularly Kegel exercises for the pubococcygeus muscles Strengthening these muscles can make intercourse more pleasurable for both partners and give the woman more control over unintentional urinating. Often the woman is non—orgasmic because the male partner does not sexually interact with her in the best way. In this case the male needs to learn how to better please the woman and help her have an orgasm. This may involve trying different positions, better communication and/ or professional guidance.

 

Another major cause is anxiety: anxiety due to previous experiences, anxiety about having an orgasm or "losing control,” or some other form of anxiety. When this is the case, the anxiety must be dealt with, as discussed earlier. Another major cause is too little arousal, which should be treated as outlined in the previous section.

 

After you have dealt with all the above, then continue as follows: Be sure your partner understands your problem and is willing to help. Everything at this time should be aimed toward your pleasure and arousal. Then slowly move in the direction of intercourse. Take small steps. Continue foreplay until you feel very aroused. If this doesn’t happen, do not continue on to intercourse! Rather, stop for the day, relax, and appreciate the pleasure you had. Then return another day and start again. Take small steps! When you reach the time of being very aroused during foreplay, then slowly move into intercourse. You, not your male partner, should set the pace. You may find it best to use a female above position at this point. Next gradually insert the penis, relax, withdraw the penis, and relax. Continue to do this a couple of times. If your arousal decreases a lot, stop for the day and begin with foreplay again another time.

 

When you can stay aroused with the penis inside you, gradually introduce rhythmic movement. Again, you should set the pace and rhythm. Continue to do this in a way which is most pleasing to you. Do not try to have an orgasm; just relax and enjoy yourself. Do not think about having an orgasm; just lose yourself in your feelings of the moment. If you continue this practice over a number of days, you will probably begin to have orgasms. Relax and take small steps.

 

Be sure to tell your partner how much you appreciate his concern and help. Tell him in detail those things which were the most useful and pleasurable to you. Then gradually move toward a form of sexual relationship and intercourse that satisfies both of your interests and needs.

 

Impotent male. Impotence refers to when a man can not achieve an erection or can not maintain it long enough for successful intercourse. This periodically happens to most men. So if it happens every once in a while, don’t be concerned. But if it happens quite often, then you may want to do something about it.

 

Anxiety and/or fear of failure are the most common causes of impotence. If this is part of your problem, you need to deal with the anxiety as discussed earlier in this chapter and elsewhere in this book (Chapters 6, 7, 11, 15) . Drinking too much alcohol is another common cause. If this is part of your problem, see the previous chapter on how to reduce your drinking. Also remember there are many physical causes of impotence. So if anxiety and alcohol are not the causes, you should consult a doctor familiar with possible physical problems.

 

After you have done the above, then the rest of your program should follow these steps: Tell your partner about your problem and get her help. Next set aside some times you can work on the problem, times when you can be relaxed and not rushed. Then lie together and engage in the types of sexual activities, other than intercourse, that you most enjoy. Relax and take your time. Next gradually be stimulated to an erection. This can be done by your partner and/or you, with hands or mouth, or whatever is best for you. When an erection occurs, do not attempt intercourse! Rather, stop stimulating the penis and let the erection decrease. Then after a few minutes of relaxing, stimulate it to an erection again, and then let it decrease again. Do this a number of times and then stop for the day. Do not attempt intercourse. Do this stimulation practice for a few days. Continue this practice until you can easily maintain an erection outside of intercourse.

 

When you have mastered the above, you slowly start moving toward intercourse. Relax and take small steps. Begin by you and/or your partner stimulating your penis to erection. Then gradually insert the penis in your partner, perhaps using the female above position. After you have inserted somewhat, withdraw, and relax. Wait a few minutes, stimulate the penis, insert again, and withdraw again. Each time stay inside your partner a little longer. But don’t begin any other movement or seek orgasm. Simply lie quietly together with your penis inside. Continue this practice over several or many days until you can maintain an erection inside your partner for a moderate amount of time.

 

When you can do the above, then gradually introduce sexual movement while inside. Relax and take your time. Slowly continue until you and your partner are enjoying full sexual intercourse.

 

Maintaining an erection is a skill you can learn. But you must relax and take small steps in your treatment.

 

Premature ejaculation. A common problem for many men is premature ejaculation, the tendency to ejaculate more quickly than desired. In some cases this may involve ejaculating before entering the female or soon after. In other cases the ejaculation occurs somewhat later, but still too soon to be most satisfying to the female. If it occurs once in a while, this is normal and not to be worried about. If it occurs more often, or more often than you want, then you can do something about it. Learning to control your ejaculation is a skill you can learn.

 

The first step, as in all sexual problems, is to determine whether you have any anxiety in sexual situations that could lead to premature ejaculation. Do you experience any anxiety or uptightness related to sexual intercourse? Are you anxious about how well you will perform? Are you anxious about having premature ejaculation? If you have any such anxiety, you need to deal with it first, as discussed earlier in this chapter and elsewhere in this book (Chapters 6, 7, 11, 15).

 

After reducing any anxiety, the next step is to gradually approach intercourse while keeping from ejaculating. You know when you feel ejaculation is nearing. The training consists of building up to this point and stopping before you need to ejaculate. You do this while taking small steps toward intercourse.

 

Begin with a partner who understands your problem and wants to help. Start just lying together during foreplay. Do what you would ordinarily find pleasurable, but slow everything down. Gradually move toward more and more stimulation of the penis, in whatever way you enjoy. But at this time avoid penis contact with the female sex organs. At any time you feel you are nearing the point where you may need to ejaculate, then stop what you are doing, relax, and let your sexual arousal decrease. After your arousal has died down and your penis has lost some or much of its erection, then begin sexual fondling again, including stimulation of the penis. Again, be sure to stop and relax just before you reach the need to ejaculate. Do this stimulate— and—relax a number of times, gradually increasing the amount of stimulating before the need to relax.

 

Continue the above practice for a number of days. Avoid intercourse during this time. Continue the practice until you can be stimulated for long periods without ejaculating. Take your time. Take small steps.

 

When you can withhold ejaculating quite well in this practice, then gradually move toward intercourse.

 

Begin by stimulating your penis to erection and then gradually introducing the penis into your partner. Again, if at any time you feel you are nearing the need to ejaculate, then withdraw, stop what you are doing, and relax! Then begin again. Gradually insert your penis. Just hold it inside without movement. Always withdraw and relax before you need to ejaculate. After you can withhold ejaculating when inside and not moving, then gradually introduce movement. Stop, withdraw, and relax before you ejaculate.

 

If you follow this practice, relax, and take small steps, you can gradually build up your ability to delay ejaculating. After you have developed this skill, you can use it to help you and your partner have the most rewarding sex life.

 

8. SEXUAL FANTASIES

 

Most people have some sexual fantasies, images or ideas which, when imagined or thought about, bring sexual pleasure and arousal. Imagining making love with someone is one of the most common sexual fantasies. The types of sexual fantasies vary greatly among people. One person fantasizes about making love to a movie star; another thinks about being seduced by a salesperson. One woman becomes sexually aroused if she imagines being forced into sex with a construction worker, although she would not want to be forced in real life. Another woman fantasizes about seducing teenage boys, but will never tell anybody about this. One man becomes sexually aroused when imagining being tied up and whipped by a woman; while another man fantasizes about spanking women. Some people fantasize sexual activities with people dressed in particular clothes, such as high heeled shoes, leather jackets or suits, or a uniform of some type. Other people fantasize about having sex in unusual places. The list of sexual fantasies could be continued on and on. Almost anything you can imagine is a sexual fantasy for someone.

 

A sexual fantasy is not necessarily good or bad in itself. It is what it leads you to think or do that is important. If the fantasy is simply a private dream that you use to improve your sex life, then it can be desirable and useful. On the other hand, the fantasy can lead you to think and act in ways which are undesirable. Examples here would be if the fantasy dominates too much of your thinking, limits your perceptions or interactions with others, makes it more probable you will be aggressive or hurt someone, or leads to some other behavior that is socially unacceptable or illegal. This section considers sexual fantasies: how to use them, change them, and reduce them.

 

In some cases the sexual fantasy merely reflects sexual preferences that perhaps can be achieved in real life. A man may have a sexual fantasy about women who wear a particular type of nightgown. In this case the man may be able to share his fantasy with a sexual partner who will enjoy wearing such a nightgown. Discussion of sexual fantasies with your partner may lead you both to find other ways of pleasing each other and/ or add variety to your sex life.

 

Fantasies and intercourse. Most people use sexual fantasies before and during intercourse as a way to increase sexual arousal. This can often be helpful, particularly for people with some sexual problems, such as non-orgasmic females. However, if a person must always use a fantasy during intercourse, then he or she is not fully experiencing and enjoying intercourse. Here the fantasy is limiting. If this is true for you, then this section tells you what to do.

 

Use your fantasy during intercourse up to the point when you know orgasm is about to occur. Then switch out of your fantasy and totally immerse yourself in the here and now of intercourse with your partner as you have orgasm. Totally immerse yourself in the feelings, sights, smells, and everything else of this beautiful time. For many times continue this practice of using your fantasy up till orgasm and then letting the fantasy go at the last minute.

 

After you have done this a number of times, gradually start letting go of the fantasy earlier and earlier. The first step is to use the fantasy until almost to orgasm, then slide out of the fantasy into the experiences of intercourse. The next step is to use the fantasy again, but discontinue it a little earlier. Gradually you let go of the fantasy earlier and earlier, until eventually you do not need the fantasy at all. You will have transferred some of the sexual arousal from the fantasy to intercourse without the fantasy. However, if any time during this practice you find you are losing sexual arousal, then you can always drop back into your fantasy for a few minutes.

 

It is very important when doing this that you take very small steps. It is better to move too slowly than too fast. You want to phase out your fantasy very gradually. This may take many months or more. But if you stay with it and are patient, eventually intercourse without the fantasy will be more arousing, pleasurable, and fulfilling than intercourse with the fantasy.

 

Another thing you can do to help all of this is to gradually incorporate your partner into your fantasy. If you are imagining making love to a movie star, then in your fantasy periodically replace the movie star with an image of your partner. Then switch back to the movie star. Taking small steps, gradually increase the amount of time your partner is in your fantasy. However, do not do this if your fantasy involves doing anything you would not want to do with your partner. For example, if your fantasy involves hurting someone, do not fantasize hurting your partner!

 

Fantasies and masturbation. Like everything else in the area of sex, there are many different points of view about masturbation. For some it is something that should never be done, perhaps because it is a religious sin or because it is too ego-centered. For others it is something only to be practiced when no appropriate sexual partner is available. For others it is a desirable sexual practice used in addition to intercourse. And for others it is felt to be preferable to intercourse. Numerous false myths have been told about how masturbation may lead to such things as insanity, hair on the hands, or going blind. No opinion on masturbation is being advocated here. But if you do masturbate with sexual fantasies, this is a time to build up sexual arousal to your sexual partner, possible partners, or intercourse in general.

 

The general strategy here is the same as above in the intercourse situation. Use your fantasy during masturbation until you feel you are about to have an orgasm. At that point switch into imagining intercourse with your partner or potential partner, as you continue into orgasm. Imagine intercourse with your partner as realistically as possible, living the scene rather than just picturing yourself in the scene. Imagine what you would feel and see. Continue this practice for many masturbation times.

 

Next gradually increase the amount of time during masturbation that you imagine intercourse with a realistic partner. Take small steps as you gradually increase here. Go back and forth between your sexual fantasy and imagining realistic intercourse. Continue this until you no longer need your sexual fantasy. That is, continue this practice until imagining intercourse with a realistic partner is arousing enough for masturbation to orgasm. Then stop using your previous sexual fantasy.

 

Reducing fantasies. There are two reasons why you might wish to reduce or eliminate a sexual fantasy: 1) you no longer need it, and/or 2) the fantasy is un desirable or harmful in some way.

 

If you have used your sexual fantasy, as described above, to increase sexual arousal in intercourse, then eventually you will no longer need your sexual fantasy. At this point you can just forget about it or occasionally use it. However, at this point you may also wish to focus all your sexual energy into intercourse and away from fantasies. You may consider your fantasy inappropriate or undesirable in some way and wish to be done with it. You may have always been ashamed or self—conscious of your fantasy.

 

Similarly, your fantasy may be undesirable for reasons such as those discussed earlier. That is, the fantasy may cause you to think, feel, or act in ways that are undesirable. Thus you help yourself by eliminating such a fantasy.

 

There are two steps to reducing or eliminating a sexual fantasy. First you should deal with the desires associated with the fantasy. Chapter 10 (Out of Habit) describes how to work with desires. Particularly useful in this chapter is the technique of “unpleasant associations.” This involves associating, in your imagination, your sexual fantasy wi th something unpleasant. For example, a person with a sexual fantasy about being tied up might practice imagining scenes such as the following: The person imagines his usual fantasy about being tied up and then gradually makes the scene unpleasant by imagining becoming very sick and vomiting all over himself and the other person. Practice with such scenes reduces the sexual associations of the fantasy.

 

The second step in reducing or eliminating fantasies involves learning better control of your thoughts.

 

As described in Chapter 11 (What Do You Think) this would include stopping the sexual fantasy when it occurs and replacing it with more desirable thoughts or fantasies. Using these procedures you can eliminate any fantasy you wish.

 

CONCLUSION

 

Using the material in this chapter many people can overcome sexual problems and/or generally improve their sex lives. Three critical parts of this are improved communication with your partner, relaxing and reducing anxiety, and taking small steps.

 

On the other hand, many sex problems have a physical base and require medical attention. And many people would do best to consult a counselor for help in these areas, rather than relying on what they can do for themselves (see Chapter 28, Choosing a Counselor).

 

SUGGESTED READING

 

HUMAN SEXUALITY

 

OVERCOMING SEXUAL PROBLEMS

 

IMPROVING SEX

LEARNING AND REMEMBERING

 

How well you learn and remember something depends on many things, including how interesting and important what you are learning is, how what you are learning relates to other things you know, and how often you will put into use what you learn. But the most important effect on your memory is how well you originally learn what you want to remember. The better you learn it, the better you will remember it. This chapter will give you some suggestions on how to learn better and thus remember better.

 

MEMORY AIDS

 

In addition to the suggestions for learning in this chapter, you should also review the discussion of memory aids in Chapter 9 (Getting Organized). Part of improving learning and remembering is developing various memory aids, such as lists and a daily calendar, that help you remember. These free your mind for other tasks, including other things to learn and remember.

 

ATTENTION

 

The first step to better learning and remembering is to pay better attention to what it is you wish to learn. This may sound obvious, but it is a common problem. If when you are learning something, your attention is drifting and your mind is wandering, you won’t learn it well. People who have trouble remembering the names of others they just met often don’t pay enough attention to the names when introduced.

 

It is important to practice paying better attention. Keep your attention focused on what you are learning. Try to keep your attention and mind from being distracted or pulled in other directions. Keeping a focused attention is a skill that will improve With practice. So practice paying better attention. Learning to keep focused attention is helped by the meditation practice described in Chapter 6 (Relaxing Body and Mind).

 

When paying attention to what you are learning, look for any special features that might help you remember. For example, when learning a person’s name, look carefully at him or her and notice any specific characteristics that catch your eye, such as the person having large blue eyes or being quite tall. Look carefully for a few distinctive characteristics. Then try to associate the name with the characteristics. If a tall person is named Wayne, you might associate his being tall with the tall actor John Wayne, and thus remember the name Wayne. Another approach to remembering names involves imagining the person dressed in some way that you associate with his name. If a person has a name such as Roman, try to see the person as an ancient Roman complete with Roman toga. How would you remember the name of a person named Baker or Marshall? It might involve seeing Baker as a baker complete with chef’s hat and apron or seeing Marshall as a western marshall with gun and badge.

 

As another example of looking for special characteristics, consider wanting to learn the phone number 468-1357. What might you notice? One possibility is that you would see that the first three digits are three even numbers in order, while the last four digits are the first four odd numbers in order. Noticing this might help you better learn and remember this phone number.

 

ASSOCIATION

 

Most learning involves associating things together, such as associating a person’s name with his face. So you more easily learn something if you can associate it with something you already know and/or something you can remember easily. Many things can be better remembered if you associate them with verbal phrases, rhymes, and mental images.

 

For example, when you are standing on a boat facing the bow, the right side is called “starboard” and the left side is called “port.” How can you remember this? One way is to remember the phrase that you just left port on the boat. This associates “port” with left. To remember that in setting a table the fork goes on the left side of the plate, you might think of the mechanical device called a forklift . How do you spell the word for the head of a school: “principle” or “principal?” The second is correct and can be remembered by thinking of the principal as being a When going on and off daylight savings time, you can remember which way to change your clocks with the phrase “Spring forward and Fall back.” In the Spring move your clock forward one hour; in the Fall move it back one hour.

 

Rhymes are often useful as in the rhyme “Thirty days has September.. ." which helps you remember the number of days in a month. A common rhyme to help in spelling is “i before e except after c.” This can be made more accurate as “i before e except after c or when it sounds like a as in neighbor or weigh.”

 

Some associations are based on using the first letters of words. To remember the notes on the lines of a music staff you can remember the phrase “every good boy does fine.” The first letters of this phrase (EGBDF) are the notes in order. The notes in between the lines spell FACE. The first letters of the Great Lakes spell HOMES, which can then help you remember the lakes. Do you know them? The colors of the visual spectrum, in order, are red, orange, yellow, green, blue indigo, and violet. To help you remember this you can remember that the first letters of the colors spell the name ROY G. BIV.

 

In caves, various formations, often columns and cones, build from the floor and ceiling. Those that come down from the ceiling are called “stalactites,” and those that go up from the floor are called “stalagmites.” How can you remember which is which? One way focuses on the letter c versus the letter g: stalactites are from the ceiling and stalagmites are from the around. Another way focuses on the visual imagery of T vs M: stalactite has the T which looks like something hanging from the ceiling, while the M of stalagmite looks like something building up from the ground. My favorite way is based on the difference between mite and tite in the two words. Just remember the expression “ants in the pants.” This reminds you that when the mites go up, the tights go down.

 

One way of remembering numbers is to change the numbers into corresponding letters or words that may be easier to remember. Many phone numbers can be replaced by words using letters that correspond to the numbers on the phone dial. For example, the number 382-5467 can be translated into DUCK HOP which may be easier to remember. Later you can just dial DUCK HOP on the phone. In mathematics there is the constant pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. The value of pi is an unending decimal that begins 3.14159265358979.... One way to remember this is with the phrase “How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy chapters involving quantum mechanics... The number of letters of each word in the phrase gives you the sequence of digits of pi.

 

MENTAL IMAGERY

 

Generally the most effective memory technique is to associate what you wish to remember with a mental image or picture. Many people remember the shape of Italy by thinking it is shaped like a boot. Above it was mentioned how you could remember a person’s name is Marshall by picturing him as a western marshall.

 

When using mental imagery, the more unusual or silly the image, the better. It will be easier to remember the name Marshall if the image of a western marshall that you use is very unusual, dramatic, or funny. Similarly, remember the use of the word HOMES to help remember the names of the Great Lakes? Now how do you the word HOMES? One way would be to use mental imagery and imagine an unusual and spectacular scene of homes sinking into the Great Lakes.

 

Or consider the example where we translated a person’s phone number (382-5467) into the words DUCK HOP. Now we need to associate these words with the person. We would use some mental image such as seeing the person hopping with a duck or doing a dance called the “duck hop.” The stranger or funnier the image, the better.

 

You are at a party and want to practice remembering names. The first person you meet is Jan. You are careful to pay attention when you hear her name. You also pay attention to her face and appearance, noticing any distinguishing characteristics. You notice she has long blond hair. Now you associate the name with her appearance, focusing on her hair. Here is the place for mental imagery. For example, you might change the name Jan into the word “jam” and construct an image of the person with her hair filled with jam. Later when you see her, her hair will again catch your attention and trigger your mental image of jam in the hair. This image will lead you to think of jam which will remind you of the name Jan.

 

All of this might sound quite involved; but it is pretty easy after you have been doing it for a little while. With some practice you can use mental imagery in many situations to help you remember. If you want to remember you left your glasses on the television, you can develop a mental image of the television with the antenna going through the lenses of the glasses.

 

Consider the following situation: You are driving in your car when you suddenly remember that it is very important that you mail a letter when you get home in a few hours. How would you use mental imagery to help you remember to mail the letter? You want to develop a mental image that will associate the letter with something you will see as soon as you get home. For example, you might practice imagining seeing the letter tied with ribbons to the front door handle. Later when you see the door handle, it reminds you of the letter.

 

MEMORY SYSTEMS

 

There are many complex memory systems based on the principles discussed above. These systems are called mnemonic systems.

 

One system is based on the following code of numbers and words: one is bun, two is shoe, three is tree, four is door, five is hive, six is sticks, seven is heaven, eight is gate, nine is line, and ten is hen. Now if you want to remember that Bob’s address is 8710, you convert the numbers into the words gate, heaven, and hen. Then you develop a funny mental image, such as of Bob opening the gate of heaven and seeing a bunch of hens run out.

 

There are many such memory systems, some of them quite complex. All these systems take a while to learn to use. But then they can be used to remember more than previously could have been remembered. Memory- expert entertainers use these types of memory systems. However, such systems are not necessary for most people who can get along with the principles discussed in this chapter. If you wish to learn more about memory systems, see the suggested readings at the end of this chapter.

 

STUDYING

 

The rest of this chapter deals with studying, as for students taking courses. Studying is an important Skill for people in school. But the schools seldom teach people how to study; students are just told to go and do it. As a result most high school and college Students do not know how to study well.

 

Good studying is a skill to be acquired. Hence it takes some work and time to learn how to study well. The time and effort you put in at first will lead to better learning, better grades, and more efficient use of study time. Since it does take some time to learn, you should start work on your study skills at the beginning of the school year, rather than wait until just before exams.

 

The first step in developing good study skills is setting up a study area in which you do nothing but study. This could be a special study room, a study desk, or a desk that you specifically rearrange just for study times. Using the principles of remove, avoid, and restrict from Chapter 5 (Change of Scene) make the study area as free from distractions as possible. Do not set up a study area in the midst of distracting people. A seat in the library where you do a lot of people—watching is not a good study area. Remove from the study area pictures, magazines, food, or anything else that might lead to something other than studying. In your study area have readily available all necessary equipment such as books, pencils, paper, and dictionary.

 

Do not do anything else in your study area but study. Do not daydream, sleep, write letters, or eat. Just study and try to keep it relaxed and pleasant. If you can’t study and begin to daydream, feel discomfort, or something else incompatible with studying, then leave the study area. But don’t reward yourself for leaving studying! Just take a short break and then return to studying. Save longer breaks and other rewards for when you finish a set amount of studying.

 

The second step in developing good study skills is setting goals . Decide in advance how much you will study each time. This might be based on the amount of material you will learn (not just read over) and/or the amount of time you will spend studying (not counting daydreaming etc.). Remember to take small steps: start with what you can do easily and gradually build up. Perhaps at first you can only study for 15 minutes. Fine, start there and study for 15 minutes in your study area and then take a break. Then gradually increase the amount of time you require yourself to study. You may find it useful to set different goals for different types of material. Thus your study goals when reading chemistry should be different than your study goals when drawing a figure. Make a graph of your progress in studying and post it where it is easily seen.

 

The third step is getting motivated . Here you want to be sure to include some of the procedures of Chapter 8 (Getting Motivated), such as rewarding your self for gradually accomplishing your goals and setting up contracts with yourself about studying. Also make a list of reasons for studying, review this list occasionally, and add and subtract reasons along the way. You might wish to review this list each day before studying.

 

Be alert to things you say to yourself that keep you from studying and/or interfere with your studying. Review the procedures of Chapter 11 (What Do You Think) for ways to deal with troublesome thoughts.

 

The fourth step is developing study habits . Schedule your study times in advance, preferably times that do not conflict too much with other desirable activities. A daily calendar can be useful here. Spread out your studying over time, rather than cramming just before an exam. Learning is best when it is spread out. As much as possible, try to study at the same time each day. This helps develop a good habit of studying. Similarly try to do some studying each study day even if you don’t have to. Study the least preferred material first before letting yourself study the more preferred material. Interrelate, compare, and contrast what you are learning with what you already know.

 

The fifth and final step is observing your study Know yourself: observe the way you act and think while studying. How focused is your attention? How well do you keep your mind on the material? Do you find you have read a page or two and don’t remember what you read? Are you really studying or daydreaming? Are you trying to complete material rather than learn it? Do you skip over hard material and act as if you know it? Are you creating interest in what you are learning or creating disinterest or bad feelings? Are you distorting what you read to suit your biases?

 

Observe yourself. Be truthful with yourself about Yourself. This will help you know what you need to do to further improve your study skills. Perhaps you will need to develop more concentration or perhaps you will have to work on some of your biases or perhaps....

 

SQ3R

 

Finally we consider the SQ3R method, a way to go through material you are studying. This is a highly researched, effective method of studying that helps both good students and poor students. SQ3R stands for survey, question, read, recite, and review. (It takes a little time to master the SQ3R method and use it well, but the time spent is well worth it for improving studying. You might first practice SQ3R on books and magazines you read for pleasure.

 

The first step is to briefly overview whatever reading you are going to do. In the case of a book, read the preface, look at the table of contents, and skim over the book. Then break down the reading into study units, such as chapters of a book, sections of a long and difficult chapter, or individual articles. Then apply SQ3R to one unit at a time in the following sequence.

 

Survey. For a few minutes survey the unit of material to be read. Glance over headings, look at pictures and graphs, and read any summaries.

 

Question. Ask yourself questions about the material you surveyed and write the questions down. Make up questions based on headings, concluding paragraphs, and summaries. Ask other questions, such as why did the instructor assign this reading? Review any questions in the material, such as questions at the end of the chapter.

 

Read. Read through the unit, reading everything. Answer your questions while reading. The first time through, just read and answer questions. Then go back, read it again, and underline important things.

 

Recite. This is one of the most important steps. After you have read the material, put it away and from memory summarize the general points giving examples. You might write down a brief outline from memory. Then go back through your questions and give answers from memory.

 

Now go back and read again. Then put away the material and recite again. Only now in recite, try to recall what you have read and imagine explaining it to someone else. Continue to read and recite until you know the material.

 

Review. Next put away all notes and everything and try to remember the main points. Then go over any notes, underlinings, and headings and try to remember subpoints to the main points. Finally reread briefly, go over the headings, and review the main points.

 

There are many acceptable variations to the above SQ3R method. Do it as described above for a while and then find any variation that works best for you. For example, in one variation you use survey and review for large amounts of material (such as a long chapter) and use question, read, and recite for units of the material (such as sections of a chapter). Thus you might survey a whole chapter; question, read and recite the sections of the chapter; and then review the whole chapter.

 

But whatever approach you take, you can learn to study better if you do the things suggested in this chapter.

 

SUGGESTED READING

 

The suggested readings in this chapter are divided into three categories: memory, studying, and thinking.

 

MEMORY

 

STUDYING

THINKING