This is a book with
a lot of practical information about how you can significantly alter
your life in ways you consider desirable. It is a course in you: how you act,
feel, and think, and what you can do to change any of it you wish to change.
The information in
this book comes from many sources. Some of the procedures have been proven
in rigorous psychological studies. Some of the approaches are widely used
in clinics and self—improvement programs; and you could spend considerable
money to learn them. Some of the techniques in this book have proven themselves
over thousands of years, while others are quite new. This book contains information
across a lot of areas. Therefore at different places in this book is valuable
information that you can use and which will work for you.
There is nothing to
believe in! This book appeals to your reason, not your beliefs. There is no
philosophy or theory of people you must accept. There is no reference to magical
forces. Rather, you will learn to observe and know yourself better.
You will learn effective procedures to alter your life, procedures that make
sense to you. You will test these procedures out yourself and find which work
best for you. You will learn things about your life that you can apply in
many ways.
I know the material
in this book works. As a person I have applied much of this to my own life.
As a college professor I teach and do research on these procedures. I watch
my students change their own lives and the lives of others with what you are
going to learn. And, as a person who runs numerous workshops and self— improvement
programs for a wide range of different types of people I have seen these ideas
and procedures work and have learned much about how they work best.
Section 1 of the book
is General Approach. Here you learn basic strategies to take control and responsibility
for your life, the overall approach of the book, and how to observe and know
yourself better.
Section 2 is General
Techniques. Here you will learn techniques and procedures you can use in many
ways to improve your life. You will learn such things as how to relax your
body and mind, how to overcome anxiety and stress, how to get yourself motivated
to do what you want, how to change and organize your world to improve what
you are doing, how to think more clearly, and how to reduce unwanted desires.
It is important that
you slowly read, understand, and practice the procedures of the first two
sections before moving on to Section 3. This is because Section 3 is based
on knowing and being able to use the approaches of the first two sections.
Section 3 is Special
Problems. Here you will learn how to deal with a variety of problems such
as reducing fears, stopping smoking, losing weight and controlling overeating,
improving studying and learning, and working with some sexual problems. These
are common problem areas, so most readers will probably find a chapter or
two here of particular interest. But I would recommend you read through all
of the chapters of this section, even if they don’t seem to be directly relevant
to you. By reading these chapters you will get mental exercise in thinking
about behavior in general and how what you have learned can be applied. This
then will help you understand yourself better and will help you think of things
that apply to your interests.
Section 4 of the book
is Effective and Happy Living. Here you will learn how to become more free,
how to cultivate happiness and peace of mind, how to communicate, and how
to be more conscious of body, feelings, and mind. Some of you may be tempted
to start with this section. But it would be best if you didn’t. You will profit
more from Section 4 if you first complete the first three sections.
Now let’s get started.
Your present life
has been influenced by many things in the past, such as your family, schools,
friends, health, economics, and a host of experiences and opportunities. Some
of the things in your life that you may wish to change you may be able to
trace to some past influences. Perhaps you would like to change something
in your past. Perhaps you think about how things might be if only you had....
But the past is gone!
You can not change the past. Although this is obvious, most people waste a
lot of time thinking and worrying about the past and wishing the past were
different than it is. The emphasis in this book is to let the past go and
get on with what you can do in the present. What are you going to do NOW?
Don’t worry about
things you can no longer change. Don’t waste time being bothered by whether
or not someone else has had better luck, more opportunities, better health,
or whatever. Don’t think of yourself as a victim of the past; this is only
true as long as you believe it. The question is always “What are you going
to do now?”
The next thing to
fully realize is that are the one who must change your life. Although other
people and books like this can help and guide you, you are the one who must
do with your life as you decide. You have the opportunity, beginning right
now, to make your life more successful and happy, but you must take responsibility
for it right now. No one else will or can do it for you. There are no magic
words. This book will help you accomplish your goals, but you will be the
one doing it. What are you
going to do now?
Watch out for excuses.
At many different times yet to come you will find yourself making excuses
for why you can not do something. Perhaps you will tell yourself you are too
old or too young, too dumb or too Smart. Perhaps you will tell yourself you
don’t have enough will-power, motivation, energy, or time. Just remember that
you can always find excuses. Your mind is currently set to give you reasons
why you can’t right now change your life in the ways you want. Learn to watch
for your excuses and not get taken in by them. If you stay with this book
and avoid your excuses, you will be surprised how much you can do to change
your own life.
Many people think
that the key to changing their lives is will power, a sense of pushing oneself,
forcing oneself over a barrier, or struggling with some conflict. But pushing
oneself is not effective if you don’t know the direction to push. Forcing
oneself over a barrier is a waste of time and energy if there is a better
way around the barrier. Thus will power and motivation are useful, but there
are more important things. When you finish this book you will have more will
power and motivation, but that is not the emphasis of the book.
Rather you will learn
how to be more effective and skillful so that things will be easier to accomplish.
Then if you need to exert your will, you will be more successful. Right now
you are to some degree swimming upstream in the river of life. You are trying
to solve some of your problems in ways which are hard and unpleasant. This
book will help you learn how to “swim” better, where to enter the river, and
how to use the currents to your advantage.
The will power you
need for this book is based on developing your ability to get on with what
you de— cide to do without excuses, delay, or laziness. What are you going
to do now?
Self-improvement involves
two important steps:
(a) knowing yourself and what you are doing, and
(b) setting up a program or course of action to produce the changes you want.
The next chapter and
parts of later chapters deal with ways you can learn more about yourself and
how you think and act. Sometimes this knowledge is enough to cause you to
act differently. For example, a person may learn he tends to be too critical
with his children and decide to be more positive toward them. Or a person
may become aware of how often she is twirling her hair in her fingers. Then
as she becomes aware of when she is doing it, she does it less.
However, in most situations
increased self— knowledge is not sufficient to solve the problem. Knowing
what you are doing and what you would like to change does not mean you have
the skills or means to make the change. A person ma& know he has a fear
of heights. But knowing all about this fear and how he reacts to heights seldom
helps reduce the anxiety. What he needs is a program to reduce fears. Similarly
a person may realize she smokes too much. She may know why she smokes, when
she smokes, and how she came to be a smoker. But this is usually not enough
to help her reduce her smoking.
Thus the emphasis
of this book is what you DO to produce the changes you want. You will learn
ways to change your world and yourself in the ways you want. This will then
lead to desirable changes in your attitudes and feelings about yourself. The
emphasis is on action, not just understanding. What are you going to DO now?
Thus it is very important
that you not just read this book. It is a workbook. It is a book with things
for you to DO!
Everybody needs to
learn to relax more. In this book you will learn ways to relax your body,
your mind, and your approach to living. Here I wish to emphasize the importance
of relaxing your whole approach to self— improvement. In this book I am going
to discuss ways to significantly alter your life. Thus these are things of
great significance and importance. So the natural tendency is to become very
serious and concerned about all this and feel the weight of the importance
of what you are doing. But carrying this weight is unnecessary. This book
will show you how to accomplish many of your goals, so —— relax.
The process of self-improvement
should be taken seriously, but not in a heavy—handed manner. Relax. The process
of self—improvement should be approached as being exciting, interesting, and
amusing. Relax. Learn to have a good time with all of this. A good sense of
humor is a valuable tool in your own work with yourself. Learn to see the
humor in much of what you do, including those things you plan to change.
The more you learn
to relax, the more effective you will be at whatever you do. Relaxing will
help you see things more clearly and not get as caught up in some of life’s
traps.
Many people get upset
because they see how far they are from goals they have for themselves. This
causes them to feel bad about themselves and then they usually don’t make
much progress toward their goals. This, of course, is then accompanied by
excuses about why they can’t reach their goals, which adds to their feeling
upset. All of this is unnecessary and undesirable.
If you have decided
to accept responsibility for yourself and are about to start moving toward
your goals, you are doing great. Relax. Accept yourself as you are right NOW
and plan where you are going. The past is gone; don’t be impatient for the
future. Relax. Do your best and be content with doing your best. You are a
good person. What are you going to do now?
The purpose of this
book is to provide you with information to help you set up a program for yourself
to accomplish what you want. Stop for a few minutes and make a list of goals
for yourself: things you want to change in your personal life, interactions
with others, vocation, or whatever. The table of contents of this book will
suggest some goals.
After you have made
the list decide which of the goals you want to start work on right away. Don’t
try to do everything at once. Take things one at a time. Start with what’s
most important to you.
Now for each goal
that you have decided to start working toward, write down some of the things
you know you need to do on the way to the goal. Many of the things you need
to do will be covered in this book. So hold on to these beginnings of your
program and add to it and revise it as you slowly go through this book.
Some of the things you need to do are not covered in this book, things
such as getting legal or medical aid, seeking out more education or vocational
training, or getting a driver’s license. Be sure to include such things in
your program when appropriate.
Sometimes the best
approach to a problem is to take it head-on. Some people find that the best
way to stop smoking is to one day totally quit. For some people the best way
to overcome a fear of public speaking is to force themselves to stand up and
talk before a group. Such approaches often work, particularly if the problem
is not too serious. But sometimes these approaches don’t work, as with many
people who can’t suddenly quit smoking. And sometimes these approaches make
the person worse, as with a person with a fear of public speaking who makes
himself even more anxious by forcing himself to speak to a group.
Thus an approach which
usually works better and has longer lasting results is to take small steps
toward your goal. A person who uses a crash diet to lose weight may lose a
lot of weight fast, but he will usually gain it back. And continuing the cycle
of crash diet, gain it back, crash diet is unhealthy. However, the person
who learns to control his eating and lose a pound a week will produce better,
longer-lasting weight changes. Similarly a person who is out of condition
should not jump into a strenuous exercise program. It is important to build
up in small steps. If a person has a fear of snakes, it probably would not
be a good program for that person to go out and try to let a snake crawl over
him. Rather, this book describes a gradual way to overcome the snake fear
without discomfort. Or a person who wishes to learn to meditate for long periods
of time should not try to begin with a three hour meditation. Rather it is
better to start with five or ten minutes and build up.
So look for ways of
breaking down your goals into a sequence of small steps. Many people never
move toward a goal because it seems too far away. But all you have to do,
and all you can do, is to get started by taking a step in the direction of
your goal. A thousand mile journey begins with one step. Many people have
many large tasks or projects in their lives that they will get to as soon
as they have sufficient time. But the time never seems to come and the project
remains undone. A better approach is to break the project into smaller components
that can be done in smaller amounts of time. Similarly, if you are working
on a large task, such as doing a thorough house-cleaning after a large party,
it will often be less overwhelming and more pleasant if you focus your attention
on just a part at a time. Take a small piece, such as cleaning the kitchen
table, focus on that and do it, and then move on to another part of the whole
task.
Don’t be a perfectionist
or concerned with unreasonable goals. Relax. Be concerned you are moving toward
your goal; don’t be concerned you have not yet reached your goal. Be patient.
Remember that the effects of many changes, such as those that follow physical
exercise or quieting your mind, are subtle at first and may take a few months
before you are aware of the benefits. Take on one day at a time!
Also take this book
in small steps. Do not just read it through. Read it slowly. Think about what
you read and how it relates to you. Come up with examples from your life that
relate to what is being discussed. Take notes, underline, write in the margins,
or do whatever with this book to make it more useful and personal to you.
Test out the ideas in this book and see what works for you.
The program you gradually
set up for yourself will need to be continually revised and added to. You
need to be flexible with your program as you learn new things and find those
approaches that work best for you.
You will probably
make mistakes on the way to your goals. This is okay; everyone makes mistakes.
In fact, making mistakes is often the best way to learn. You may really mess
up a couple of times. This is fine as long as you learn from it. What caused
the problem? What will you do differently next time? When you make a mistake
or mess up, don’t complain or fall into excuses or get stuck in things now
past. What are you going to do now? Get on with it. Continue with your program
and if necessary revise your program based on what you learned from your mistakes.
Everything in this
book has been tested and proven with large numbers of people. You can make
it work for you if you set up a program for yourself and revise it as you
learn. Relax, take small steps, and be content as long as you make progress.
Although the emphasis
of this book is on self- improvement, it is often useful to enlist others
to help you with your program. For example, people in your family who know
you well can offer valuable advice and support for your program. Similarly,
you may find that talking about your program with friends may help you clarify
in your own mind what is really going on and what needs to be done.
It is also useful
to exchange ideas and support with people who are working on similar problems
as yours. You may wish to join or organize a group to discuss programs for
specific problems, such as overeating or smoking. Or you may wish to organize
a group to discuss self-improvement in general. This book might be one book
you all read, discuss, and add to.
You will be surprised
at how much you will be able to change your life with your own programs. Many
things that people pay a professional for, you can do for yourself. But for
some problems for some people it is best to see a counselor or therapist for
assistance. The last chapter, choosing a Counselor, offers some advice on
choosing such a helper. If you are using this book and go see a counselor,
ask the counselor how this book interrelates with his approach.
If you have any physical
limitations, be sure to check with your doctors or advisors before doing anything
physical, such as physical exercises or body relaxation exercises.
Finally, at the end
of most chapters I list some suggested readings for those of you who want
or need to go into some areas in greater detail. If any of these books are
not available in your library or bookstore, you can order them through many
bookstores or directly from the publisher (most bookstores have publishers’
addresses)
You need to help yourself.
What are YOU going to do now?
Understanding a problem
is seldom enough. What are you going to DO now?
The past is gone. What are you going to do NOW? Set up a program. Relax.
Take small steps. Relax. Revise your program.
Relax.
The necessary first
step toward self-improvement is getting to know yourself better. It is important
to become a better observer of yourself, seeing more objectively exactly what
you do and when you do it.
Your mind, like everyone’s
mind, distorts things away from reality and toward the way you wish things
to be. Everybody, to varying degrees, misperceives things about himself and
the world. This is the natural way the human mind works. Thus a person who
smokes might believe he smokes fewer cigarettes than he actually does smoke.
Or a person who considers herself to be a loving person might perceive herself
to be more loving than she actually is, misperceiving some situations in which
she is not acting in a loving manner. Or a businessman, who believes his co—workers
are plotting against him, might misperceive things his co-workers say.
Everybody’s mind works
this way to some degree. So it is perfectly natural if your mind misperceives
in some situations. If a person misperceives too much, he may need professional
help. The rest of us need to cut back on our misperceptions and know ourselves
better.
The first step is
to practice being honest with yourself. Try to see yourself and the world
as they are, not how they should be or how you want them to
be. Come to grips with what is now . Learning to be honest with yourself
is much harder than it sounds. But it is readily mastered by patiently taking
small steps. Continually try to be more and more honest with yourself. Look
for ways you misperceive things to fit your beliefs and desires.
Remember that misperceiving
makes you less effective and causes problems in your dealing with yourself,
other people, and the world. If you misperceive how much you drink, you may
not realize you have a drinking problem. If you misperceive how people act
toward you, you may end up in unnecessary conflicts.
Make friends with
yourself. See yourself objectively. Accept and love yourself as you are, not
how
If you are not a friend
of yourself, you add a lot of unnecessary anxiety and unhappiness to your
life. Note that you are now totally responsible for this. Throughout this
book you will learn many ways to help you like yourself more and become more
and more happy. If you do not accept yourself as you are, you will misperceive
and overlook things that are important to your goals Consider a woman who
does not like the way her hair looks. The anxiety she feels toward her hair
has a number of bad side effects including the following:
(1) the anxiety impairs her learning about her hair and what she can best do with it;
(2) the anxiety impairs her thinking about her hair and different things she might try; and
(3) the anxiety impairs her perceptions of what people really think about her hair. Thus the woman’s feeling anxious about her hair impairs her solving the problem and adds more anxiety. She would do much better if she would decide to improve her hair as a goal, relax, and accept herself as she is.
The reasoning applied
to the hair problem above could be applied to most problems. Stop and think
about how one or two of your problems or goals relate to what has been said
so far. Really stop and do this!
The use of written
records is one of the best ways to learn more about yourself and cultivate
observing yourself more objectively. By writing things down you rely less
on your memory, which is often a source of misperception. By writing things
down you can more easily see some common patterns. Thus the use of written
records is a valuable way to learn more about yourself, whether it be the
way you act or feel or think.
One way of keeping
written records is with a small notebook you carry with you, as in your pocket
or purse.
Another type of record
is a log or diary in which you make daily entries related to your problems,
goals, or interests. If you are a very anxious person, near the end of each
day you might make a list of those situations that made you anxious and how
you handled them. If you are interested in your dreams, you should keep a
dream diary by your bed and whenever you wake up, immediately record your
dreams in it. If you are working on your own personal or spiritual development,
you might keep a daily diary of what you learn each day, what you consider
important, and suggestions you have for yourself.
When practical, the
notebook is better than the diary, for the notebook get you to record fairly
soon after the event, while the diary requires you to remember what happened
until later.
When keeping records
it is very useful to count as much as possible: count how many cigarettes
you actually smoke each day, count how many times you bite your fingernails
each day, or count how many times you speak critically to others. Counting
helps in many ways. Counting forces you to see just how much you really do
something. This helps you be honest with yourself. This can also be motivating.
For example, a man may find by counting that he twirls his mustache much more
than he thought. This finding then motivates him to change that habit. Counting
also helps you keep track of where you are so you can watch your progress
and take the right sequence of small steps. Counting may be a little work,
but it will be worth it.
Your notebook is a
good device for counting, for every time you do what you are counting, such
as smoking a cigarette, you can make a mark in your notebook. Another good
device for counting is a wristcounter, such as are used by some golfers. This
device is worn like a wristwatch; and every time you do what you are counting,
you push a lever which adds to your count.
Get in the practice
of counting whatever interests
Some things may be
very difficult to count because they occur too frequently, such as nervous
hand movements, or because they flow together, such as negative thoughts.
In these cases you can count periods of time in which the behavior occurred
or did not. Thus if you are concerned about how often you think negatively
about yourself, you may wish to keep track of half hour time periods, recording
whether or not you thought negatively during each time period.
Counting is important
information to keep in your written records. There are three other types of
information you should keep track of in your records: When and Where, What
Do You Do, and What Happens.
For this category
you should write down the situations in which the behavior you are watching
occurs. This includes the place where you are and what people are around.
It should also include anything other people do and say that might lead to
the behavior being observed. And it should also include any of your own thoughts
and feelings that might cue the behavior.
A person who is recording
his smoking might record under “when and where” that he smokes when he feels
tense, when he has a drink, when he is in social gatherings, and after dinner.
An overweight person might record eating when watching TV, fixing meals, and
feeling nervous. A person might record feeling anxious when people are looking
at him and when in high places. A person who experiences too much anger might
record exactly what people say and do that gets him angry. And a person who
spends too much money might record where money is spent, how much was spent,
who was with him, what emotions he felt before spending, and whether what
was bought was necessary or a luxury.
This when and where
information will be very useful
later on when setting up a program. After collecting this information for
a week or two, you want to look for patterns and common elements. That is,
you want to look for those situations or parts of situations that seem to
be most responsible for cueing the behavior. For example, you may find that
it is usually when you feel tense that you smoke, or it is when you are unsure
of yourself that you get angry. If you keep good records, you will probably
learn things about yourself that you did not know.
For this category
you should write down exactly what you do in the above situations. That is,
here you are taking the behavior you are observing and writing down exactly
how you act. Be as specific and exact as you can. The behavior might be fairly
simple, such as smoking a cigarette or feeling anxious. It might be more complex,
such as how you act with another person. It might be what you think, such
as the things you say to yourself. Or it might be a combination of such things.
The last category
of information you should record is what happens as a result of the behavior
you are observing. What happens to you? What happens to others? For example,
you might record that when you smoke or drink it reduces feelings of tension
or anxiety. Or if you are observing feeling depressed, you might record that
when you act depressed, family members give you extra attention. Again, this
information will be very useful later when setting up a program.
A thing to keep in
mind is that most behaviors serve some purpose or function. Most behaviors
occur because of what happens when they occur. This is even true of some undesirable
behaviors that might occur because of the resulting attention or sympathy
from others.
From your records
you will find out more about yourself. Also this information will be useful
in your setting up a program for yourself. For example, if you want to lose
weight and find you often eat doughnuts when you pass the doughnut shop, then
you may want to avoid the doughnut shop until you get your eating under control.
Or if you find that you primarily smoke
Because of the importance
to your program of these written records, it is usually best to keep such
records for a couple of weeks before you set up any change program. Therefore
it would be a very good idea for you to start keeping records now as you slowly
continue in this book.
Even after you begin
your change program it is useful to continue to keep records, for these records
will provide further useful information and will also help you continually
evaluate how your change program is working.
After you have collected
your written records, it is time to think more about your goals, where you
are headed. Consider your general goals, such as those you listed when reading
the last chapter. Be sure your goals are reasonable, something you can actually
achieve in a reasonable time. Remember our strategy of taking small steps.
If your goal is quite complex or difficult, break it down into a sequence
of small steps. Be sure your goal and the steps leading to it are objective.
That is, it should be very clear when you have reached the goal in terms of
what you can do. Thus a goal of “losing weight” is not as useful as a plan
to lose one pound per week until you reach a weight of 126. Or a plan to be
“more friendly” is not as useful as a goal that is stated in terms of smiling
more or starting conversations with new people. All your goals and programs
should be as specific as possible in terms of what you will do.
After keeping records
and deciding on goals, it is now time to work out a program for reaching your
goals. And that is what the rest of this book is about. As you go through
this book, note different things that might be part of your program. Experiment
to find what works well for you. Then gradually develop a program which will
help you achieve whatever you want.